Dear Amy: My wife went back to work about a year ago. After being home for about 20 years raising our kids, she is working 30 hours a week. We have two boys who are both in college.
She now wants to open her own checking account and have her paycheck deposited into it so that she can “spend as she pleases.” I work full time and make substantially more than she does, all along depositing my paycheck into our joint account and paying for all of our expenses.
I would like for my wife to help with the household expenses, but she doesn’t think she needs to because I make so much more than she does.
Money is not the issue, because we have enough.
I never complain about her spending money – she just thinks that I’m always “looking over her shoulder.” What do you think – should we maintain two checking accounts?
– Financially Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: In my view, everybody in a family who works to earn money (wives, husbands and kids) should have their own account.
Maintaining a checking account helps to teach valuable financial skills as people manage their spending and saving.
That’s not to let your wife off the hook, however.
Just as each member of the family should have his or her own account, so should family members contribute proportionately to the running of the household. Your wife should “pay the house” by contributing something to the joint account.
This is a great opportunity for you and your wife to sit down and talk about your individual and family finances. You should agree on how your wife can best use her smaller income to enjoy the money that she is making and to contribute to your household.
…
Dear Amy: My father died 37 years ago when I was 13.
I found out recently that he molested my sister, his stepdaughter, for 12 years before he died. It started when she was 4 years old.
This has devastated me. I am trying to work through it.
I am so ashamed that this man was my father.
I have yet to tell my husband and children about what my father did.
I don’t know how to tell them about this. Do they need to know what has happened? I feel as if I am perpetuating the secret if I don’t tell them. But I am so ashamed and upset about this that I don’t want them to know about it. I am hoping you can give me some guidance.
– Ashamed and Betrayed
Dear Ashamed: You should tell your husband about this. Anything that devastates you should be part of the ongoing and intimate conversation that you two share.
You and your husband need to decide together what is the best course in terms of discussing this with your kids. Because family “secrets” seem to gain steam as time goes by, I vote for letting in some light and air by telling them. But ask your sister for guidance; she should have the final say.
I gather from your age that your kids are most likely older. If your children are aware that you are very upset and bothered, and you choose to talk to them, make sure that your children know that they can ask you anything. How you deal with this will influence how they deal with things later in life.
You should also seek outside help to try to make sense of this.
The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network can help you find local counseling. Check rainn.org for more details or call the hotline at 800-656-4673.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
