For 23 years – her whole career – Bella DePaulo built a reputation as the go-to expert on the subject of deception, the lying and lie detecting we do in our everyday social life. She published dozens of papers, wrote scores of chapters and found a tenured professional home at the University of Virginia. At the same time, she was building a wide web of friendships, a vibrant intellectual life, traveling extensively and generally enjoying life as a single, unattached woman. Research psychologist that she is, she also began collecting data on attitudes about singles in America.
Two years ago, she went out West on sabbatical. She liked it so much she chose to stay. Moreover, she was ready to put aside her work on deception for a while. “I decided to take a chance on writing a book about singles and not look for a full-
time job,” she says. She signed on as a visiting professor at the University of California-Santa Barbara and teaches an occasional course – sacrificing her status, following her passion and taking a huge personal and professional leap into the unknown.
“I never could have considered that if I were part of a couple,” DePaulo says. “Even now, I’m not sure it will pay off. But in a marriage, I would have felt that I was not pulling my weight.”
DePaulo’s own path exemplifies a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Not only are singles the fastest-growing population group in the country, most of us will spend more of our adult lives single than married. That hard demographic fact is rapidly turning singlehood into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket.
“Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,” says social historian Stephanie Coontz. “It has its own rewards. Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore. For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.” People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner but they are a lot less desperate, she adds.
Increasingly, individuals are finding singlehood preferable to being in an unsatisfactory relationship. In fact, the possibility of singlehood as a viable life path throws into high relief a finding that is slowly emerging from mountains of social science data -that neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.
While polls show that men are warming to the idea of marriage, women are increasingly in a financial, emotional and professional position to weigh carefully all the trappings that come with the institution. Because they are more conscious of the trade-offs – women still do more of the housework and child care – they are increasingly unwilling, Coontz finds, “to put up with something that violates their sense of fairness.”
Holy “matrimania”
DePaulo believes the growing number of singles is the hidden force behind what she calls “matrimania,” the glorification of marriage and, especially, the cultural obsession with weddings. “Americans feel insecure about the place of marriage,” she observes. “It no longer appears to be the only path to happiness.”
Even as singlehood is becoming the de facto norm, people who choose to go though life solo are deliberately kept in a state of confusion about their own motives by a culture that clings to the marriage standard. Typically, says DePaulo, singles are told that they are selfish for pursuing their own life goals. If you’re single and you have a great job to which you devote energy, you’re typically told your job won’t love you back.
“The battlefield is now psychological,” DePaulo says. Single women today have work opportunities, economic independence and reproductive freedom. “The things that can be legislated are all done,” she notes. “The last great way to keep women in their place is to remind them that they are incomplete. Even if you think you’re happy, the messages go, you don’t know real happiness.”
The reality today is that being single is manageable and brings freedom, says Ellen McGrath, a clinical psychologist and president of Bridge Coaching Institute in New York. “It could be the better choice.”
By staying single, you may be more likely to develop into your best self, says DePaulo, whose book “Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored and Still Live Happily Ever After” (St. Martin’s) is scheduled for publication in November.
Many singles may be so satisfied on their own that they claim they have no desire to look for a mate. In a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, 55 percent of 3,000 singles reported that they are not in a committed relationship and have no active interest in seeking a romantic partner.
Today, women especially have all they need to lead an independent life. There’s no shame in having sex out of marriage. They can have sex without kids and kids without sex. They can be financially self-sufficient and purchase homes.
Sociologist E. Kay Trimberger has found that having a real home is critical for the single psyche. “Owning your own home is a strong cultural value,” says Trimberger, professor emeritus at Sonoma (Calif.) State University, who followed 27 single women over a 10-year period.
Work and worth
Satisfying work is another component of a psychologically fulfilling life, and it’s especially important for singles, Trimberger finds. “If you love what you’re doing, it gives you a sense of self-worth and autonomy. It makes you feel good about yourself that you are engaged in something important. “Work has countless other benefits. A sense of identity is chief among them, particularly for singles.
“In our society, we value work, self-creation and autonomy,” says the Sonoma sociologist. “Satisfying work provides a sense that you have achieved something worthwhile.”
Building a better self
A broad array of friendships also appears to be a developmental plus. “Having a number of relationships allows you to develop different parts of yourself and a more complex, autonomous self,” Trimberger finds. Among women, Coontz points out, this development is more a return to 19th-century patterns, before “heterosexual pressures made close same-sex friendships seem suspect and even deviant.” Beyond friendships, a broad social network contributes a sense of community. Many singles without children feel the need to create connections to the next generation. “You feel valued as a single person when a younger person respects the life you have created,” says Trimberger.
Comprehensive sex studies show that married couples have more and better sex than singles, but the unattached may actually have more exciting sex lives. Psychologist McGrath finds that single men and women are often more sexually adventurous. “They get more variety and learning from others. Because they are not emotionally invested, they can cut their losses faster and leave when sex is not desirable.”
While it has disadvantages among the young, an increasingly casual attitude about sex enables older singles to disentangle their sexual needs from other needs, Coontz observes. “You don’t have to talk yourself into falling in love to have sex.”
Jillian Straus is the author of “Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single.”
