Dear Amy: My fiancé and I have been together for six years. Recently, he has been withdrawn and acting out, drinking excessively and not going to work.
I tried to talk to him about his behavior, with no response.
I decided that it was time to snoop around, so I looked at his cellphone records. On an evening when he told me that he was out with his cousin on business, I noticed many calls to the same number very late into the night.
I called the number and was stunned to be connected to a woman’s voice mail (this woman is a friend of a friend).
When I confronted my fiancé, he admitted that he was with her for business. When I asked him why he would call her so many times late into the night, he admitted that he was flirting with her but assured me that nothing happened.
Now he is upset with me because I snooped.
I feel that no man in a committed relationship has any business meeting a woman for cocktails and harmless flirting.
Am I wrong? Should I believe him?
– Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: There is nothing wrong with cocktails and harmless flirting. But this was cocktails and HARMFUL flirting, accompanied by snooping and lying and the tossing of a red herring into the mix.
What gives? Why is your fiancé drinking and staying home from work? Why is he flirting with someone else when he could be flirting with you? Your fiancé is leveling this snooping charge at you because he wants to divert you from the real issue, which is his behavior. You two really need to talk.
…
Dear Amy: I was surprised by your response to “Frustrated Student,” the college student whose mother was dating another student while in the process of a divorce.
In most states, the standard process for divorcing involves a formal legal separation that often splits assets and almost always involves separate households, followed by a legally mandated period (which can be as long as two years) before the “divorce” is final.
I doubt that you really intended to advise that it is improper for a person who is fully separated to wait up to two years to “date.” What possible reason could there be for that?
Please reconsider this advice.
– Anonymous
Dear Anonymous: I agree with you (and other readers who took issue with my answer to “Frustrated Student”). What was I thinking?
I do believe that in a divorce the custodial parent has a special burden to put the kids’ interests first. Clearly in this case the daughter was upset by her mother’s interest in this gentleman. While I did say that this mom shouldn’t be dating before she was divorced, I also said that this college student would have to get over it, and I do stand by that statement.
…
Dear Amy: My husband does many of the household chores and he berates me for not doing them to HIS standards. For example, he was not feeling very well this past weekend, so I did the grocery shopping. My husband was furious at me for bringing home items that weren’t on his list. I almost never go grocery shopping because he chides me for getting “impulse” items.
Along with the grocery shopping, my husband does almost all of the cooking, and I’m not allowed in the kitchen.
While I have to do the dishes – and he does make a mess in the kitchen – I wouldn’t have it any other way.
By the way, did I tell you that he also does the laundry?
– Lucky Lady in Michigan
Dear Lucky Lady: While you may consider yourself lucky, I wouldn’t trade places with you for the world. Your husband sounds like a handful.
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