Thanksgiving approaches, and you begin doing all the usual things. Clean the house for the arrival of relatives. Punch a few new holes in your belt.
But this year is different. This year you are struck by the call of the wild, the primordial urge to hunt and put your own turkey on the table.
You hark back to the very beginnings of our nation, back to the days when the pilgrims hunted and gathered and, each fall, feasted on wild turkey before settling in for their other big tradition – freezing to death in a New England winter.
Hunting turkeys is perfectly legal in Colorado, with some 12,000 turkey hunters in camouflage clothing sitting quietly in bushes each year for the chance to take one of the estimated 20,000-40,000 wild turkeys that roam across about 19,000 square miles of the state.
The resident license costs either $15 or $20, depending on the season. Adding the other typical costs of a Thanksgiving meal – cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, rolls, pumpkin pie, the sock to stuff into grandpa’s mouth after he overeats and begins snoring on the couch – this wild, I-shot-my-own-turkey feast will cost you about $60.
And, of course, the $200 fine for shooting a turkey out of season. That’s because in Colorado, and in most other states (even the Plymouth Rock, Myles Standish pilgrim mecca of Massachusetts), hunting turkeys in the weeks leading to Thanksgiving is illegal. Actually, the entire month of November is off-limits to all rifle-toting and arrow-slinging gobbler gatherers.
So while fat, lazy ranch-raised turkeys spend these days with a nervous, curious I-wonder-why-the-farmer-is-carrying-that-ax look on their faces, wild turkeys can gobble themselves silly in the woods without any signs of carvophobia (fear of being carved).
Whose wild idea was this?
Colorado has two species of wild turkey. The Rio Grande is a transplant. The Merriam’s turkey is native to the state. Both can be hunted from April 13 to May 26 – perfect for those traditional turkey feasts on Memorial Day and Armed Forces Day – and again from Sept. 1 to Oct. 6, when thoughts turn to finding that perfect Yom Kippur turkey.
But for Thanksgiving, well, hello, Mr. Butterball.
“A big reason for not allowing turkey hunting in November is there’s still elk hunting going on. We don’t want elk hunters and turkey hunters in the woods at the same time,” said Division of Wildlife spokesman Michael Seraphin. “It’s too dangerous.”
Elk hunters, Seraphin implied, might accidentally shoot turkey hunters. (Because, apparently, nothing so closely mimics the appearance of a brown, 700-pound elk running through the woods like a 175-pound guy squatting in shrubbery.)
Another reason, Seraphin said, is the concern that an ethics-challenged hunter would go into the woods with a turkey license, shoot an elk and then “sneak it out.”
Such a breach of sportsmanship would become apparent on Thanksgiving Day when the “turkey” was placed on the table and Aunt Mildred became pinned to the floor under one of the 160-pound “drumsticks.”
Coloradans can, however, legally hunt many other birds and small mammals in November. Among the birds on this month’s hunting list are blue grouse, chukars, crows and – we are not kidding – sandhill cranes. (“Who wants neck?”)
You can also legally hunt squirrels, rabbits, badgers, raccoons, skunks, muskrats and even mink, which tastes more gamey than turkey but makes a much warmer coat.
Spring is tops for turkey
Rick Kahn, a wildlife-management supervisor for the DOW, said only about 20 percent of turkey hunters in the state stalk the birds during the fall season. Spring turkey hunting gets all the attention.
“We’ve had the fall turkey hunt since the 1960s, but it’s never a big deal,” he said.
Kahn said the idea of safety issues and conflict between elk hunters and turkey hunters is probably little more than myth.
“It’s a perception,” he said. “I don’t think there would be real conflict. In addition to safety factors, the thought has always been that turkey hunters will scare away the elk from the elk hunters, and elk hunters would scare away the turkeys. I’m not sure that would be the case.
“Really, I think fall turkey hunting ends early in October just because that’s the way it’s always been.”
Well, not always.
The earliest settlers in Colorado shot Merriam’s turkeys year-round. The population of the birds, which can fly short distances at 55 mph, fell to dangerously low levels in the early 20th century throughout North America. Today, biologists estimate there are as many as 7 million wild turkeys. They inhabit nearly all 50 states.
And in Colorado and most of the nation, the wild birds won’t rest on any hunter’s table until next spring.
“Having shot and eaten wild turkey,” Kahn said, “I can tell you that I would never even think about eating one for Thanksgiving. They taste OK, but nothing like farm-raised turkeys. The wild birds are leaner and drier and the breasts are much smaller.”
Turkey hunter Jim McDermott of Woodland Park agreed.
“Even if you could legally shoot one the week before Thanksgiving and even if I did get one, my wife would still go buy a Butterball,” he said. “She won’t eat anything I shoot. And to be honest, wild turkey is as tough as leather.”
Although, you’d imagine, still better than mink.
Staff writer Rich Tosches writes each Wednesday and Sunday. He can be reached at rtosches@denverpost.com.
