Dear Amy: I come from a big family. I have four siblings, eight nieces and nephews, mother, father and stepfather.
Every year around this time, I get calls from my mother inquiring about my plans for the holiday season. (I’m married with no children.)
My husband and I have our own tradition of visiting his family for Thanksgiving and then spending the weekend before Christmas with my side of the family.
My husband and I recently moved from the state where my side of the family lives, and we’ve decided that we’d like to spend Christmas in our new house – just this year.
My mother called me to give me the, “Well, we need to spend as much time together because, you know, I’m not going to be around much longer,” guilt-trip speech.
She gives this speech for other events too.
I always let her know that while we’ll miss the event, she has an incredible opportunity to spend time with all of her other children and their families.
My husband and I like to spend time with her, and because we won’t be at the family events, we’ve planned a pre-holiday visit in which she’ll come to our home for a long weekend.
Am I being unreasonable this year by bowing out of Christmas festivities?
Can I go through another holiday without hearing the guilt-trip speech?
– Tracy
Dear Tracy: It takes two people to go on a guilt trip – one to do the sending and one to pack her bags and travel to guilt-land.
When she starts to rev up her engines this holiday season, you could say, “Mom, I’m worried about you. You sound very unhappy. I want you to be happy, but I have to live my life too. I love seeing you, and I really wish that you could learn how to focus on the good things. And me living my life and being happy is a positive thing. If you tried, I think that you could feel good about it. Can you try?”
Listen to your mother’s answer. Her response to the holidays is probably more about her insecurities than your choices.
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness or for her good time at Christmas. She is.
You are responsible for your own guilt trip, however.
So don’t go there.
…
Dear Amy: I want to pose a question to “Worried Girl,” who wrote to you after losing her brown tank top during a sleepover at her friend’s house.
She believes that her friend stole her shirt because she found it in her dresser.
Is it possible that her friend’s mother found her shirt, washed it and put it away in the dresser?
My point is that it is always better to give a good friend the benefit of the doubt before jumping to accusations.
Worried Girl should be honest and admit that she snooped, apologize and then accept her friend’s response.
– Trust Your Friends First
Dear Trust: Several readers said that “Worried Girl’s” mother could have innocently laundered and then placed the missing shirt in a drawer.
I agree with your suggestion.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
