Dear Amy: Is it true: Once a cheater, always a cheater? My ex-husband has been dating a lovely woman since we were divorced. He is planning to marry her and create a new stepfamily with her and our youngest child.
I’ve been as supportive as possible, having no real place in this new family. We get along well but don’t socialize.
I heard three years ago, when we were divorced, that my ex was dating online. I didn’t care. Then a few weeks ago, I heard that he was still online.
I checked it out. There he was with a 15-year-old photo, looking for adventure. Looking to screw up a good relationship, I think.
I am sorry for the woman. I do not wish the heartache on her or on my son, who is happy being a member of this new family.
I am feeling protective of my son, but it doesn’t feel right to say anything to his dad. I certainly don’t want to say anything to his fiancée.
What do you think?
– Concerned Ex
Dear Concerned: Wait a minute – I think I might have dated this guy! Is he in great shape for his age? Does he like to take long walks in the rain? Is he posing next to a boat? (So many men do.)
The fact is, even though I do think that in general “past performance is a predictor of future behavior,” as Dr. Phil says, this online profile could actually be quite old and inactive.
You say that it doesn’t feel right to speak to your ex about this, and your own instincts are important. But because your son’s future and stability hinge on the status of this relationship, you should consider speaking to your ex. Something along the lines of, “I read your online dating profile. I don’t want you to screw up this relationship for our son’s sake” might put him on notice.
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Dear Amy: Thank you for printing letters about snacks after sports games. It has been so interesting to hear what people think! My sons were and are almost always too keyed up after games to eat anything, even when they were in kindergarten, so I found the whole snack time to be a great time to teach them to say “no thank you” graciously.
Many parents I have encountered at least make eye contact with me to get approval before offering a snack to the non-sport-playing sibling, so I guess I haven’t encountered the whole “my kid eats unauthorized snacks” issue. However, kids are not too young, even at the toddler stage, to learn to say, “No thank you” or, “I’ll ask my mom.” It’s a healthy lesson to learn. You don’t have to eat everything that’s offered, but you do have to be polite about it.
I always perceived the snack time as a social time, when kids can interact and get to know one another outside of the competition. It’s also a time when the coach has a captive audience to talk about the game or relay messages about upcoming events.
I thought that snack time was a great way for all the parents to contribute to the team, when in many cases the coach has volunteered to put in his or her time with the kids.
– Appreciative of Snacks
Dear Appreciative: The issue isn’t really about whether snacks are a good idea after games; it’s about the content of the snacks that are being offered. The original letter on this topic outlined the cakes, cookies, soda and chips that young children are given after games. I volunteered that I had just been to a soccer game where 6-year-olds were treated to doughnuts afterward. Eating a doughnut or a cupcake after a game isn’t exactly a tragedy, but this is an issue that many parents care about.
I know very young children who manage to maintain special diets; they learn early in life to pay close attention to what they are eating. They also learn how to say no, and it’s because their parents teach them.
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