Dear Amy: How long should I wait until I ask my 12-year-old daughter how she’s adjusting to my divorce from her dad? We’ve been divorced for three months. She has only cried once, and that was when he moved out.
I take her to see him once a week, and she has spent the night at his place.
My plan was to give her some time and space to digest our new living arrangements and the quietness of the house. Has enough time gone by for me to gently probe? There haven’t been any outward changes in her. She is as happy-go-lucky as ever. However, she is talking in class much more than she used to. She is in seventh grade.
– Divorced Mom
Dear Mom: I can understand why you wouldn’t want to come right out and say, “So, how’s divorced life treating you, honey?” But every day presents opportunities to check in with her as you build a life together and adjust to this new, quieter and changed existence.
Let me suggest a weekly “date night” for the two of you. Date night can be a Friday-night movie, Saturday-afternoon coffee or breakfast on Sunday, but it should be a standing time that you spend together outside your home.
You can ask your girl how things are going at school and what her visits with her dad are like. Allow her to express her positive emotions and underscore them by listening – and never criticizing your ex.
Once she sees that she can trust you to understand and not overreact to positive emotions, she will feel comfortable expressing her other emotions.
You can also ask open-ended questions, such as, “Jeez. Have you noticed how quiet the house is now? It is taking me some time to get used to it. How does it feel to you?” Also consider getting a pet. Animals give all family members something animate to hug and fuss over and tell their troubles to.
…
Dear Amy: There is a woman at work who has been very friendly to me in the past. She was always making a point of saying hello and would draw some kind of attention to herself.
I think that this sounds as if she likes me, right? The weird thing is that she is married with kids – and so am I.
Over the past several months I have grown more attracted to this woman. She has continued to flirt with me at work.
Up until recently I have been enjoying the attention. The idea of another woman finding me attractive is appealing.
I don’t want a relationship with this woman because I’m married with children, but would it be out of line to ask her out to lunch?
– Lost at Work
Dear Lost: Yes. It would be out of line for you to ask this flirtatious co-worker out to lunch. You might as well set fire to your hair. In both cases, the outcome is fairly predictable – and dire.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
