Dear Amy: I am engaged to a woman whom I have been dating for 18 months. We plan to get married next year. We each have children from previous marriages, are 50 years old and are well-paid professionals.
I am financially secure, and she is tens of thousands of dollars in debt because of poor spending habits.
I told my fiancée that I want a prenuptial agreement. I will pay off a portion of her debts and take care of all of our common living expenses – housing, cars, food, utilities, insurance, etc., so that she can pay off her debts with her income, then put away some savings for herself. We will keep our finances separate. I can do whatever I see fit with my money; she can do the same with hers.
I told my sons about my marriage plan and my intention of leaving them a portion of my money if something happens to me. I will also leave some to my fiancée and some to my ex-wife to give her a bit of a financial safety net should she need it. My ex-wife and I were married for 18 years, and we had no money when we married.
When my fiancée found out what had I told my sons, she became very upset. She bitterly complained that it was not fair to her and that she was being slighted. I do think that she is not being gracious enough. I have nothing to do with how she got into her financial difficulty, and I am going to help her in what I think is a very reasonable way. Amy, am I wrong?
– Need Second ap
Dear Need: Are you wrong to provide financially for four people – after you are dead? No. Are you wrong to help your fiancée climb out of debt? No. Are you wrong to take care of your ex? No. Are you wrong to want a prenup? Definitely not.
Are you wrong to want your fiancée to be more gracious about a financial deal that, even though it might be favorable to her, is still being imposed on her? Yup.
Ideally, this deal-making would involve the two of you as a couple. Even though you plan to keep your finances separate, your fiancée no doubt wants to be involved in decisions that will have a direct impact on her.
One thing that I like about prenuptial agreements is that they compel couples to negotiate their way through their financial future together. It sounds as if you are imposing a set of values and boundaries on your fiancée. You can’t expect her to like everything about it.
As part of your prenup, you and your fiancée should also discuss and agree upon the maximum level of consumer debt that either of you can maintain. It sounds to me as if your fiancée has a real spending problem, which could become your problem when you marry and if, God forbid, you divorce.
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