Dear Amy: I am in my early 50s, and my boyfriend is in his early 60s. We were together for almost a year and broke up for a few months.
In October, we found our way back to each other and resolved our issues. We are very much in love.
When we were together before, we were part of each other’s families. He has two adult children who have young kids. I was invited to many of their family get-togethers.
Every year my boyfriend has a Hanukkah party for his family. (I was there last year.) He has decided not to invite me to his family party this year and says it has nothing to do with his feelings for me.
I told him that I am not just any woman, I am his girlfriend – the woman he loves – and that I should be there.
I have yet to see his family since we got back together. I am deeply hurt by this.
I asked if anyone in his family doesn’t want me there, and he said no. He said that he’s doing this for his kids and grandkids, and that we have only been back together for two months.
I said we have known each other for a year and a half and that everyone in his family knows me.
Am I making too much of this or is he being unreasonable? I don’t understand why he is hurting me like this.
– Hurting for the Holidays
Dear Hurting: Your guy may have decided that things went too quickly when you were together previously. It’s also possible that he hasn’t disclosed to his family that the two of you are back together.
During your breakup, he might have confided some things to family members that he now regrets. Holiday gatherings are loaded and challenging – reintroducing you into the family fold during the holidays might be too intense.
I understand that this hurts your feelings, but your reaction to it is within your control. I suggest that you shouldn’t use this as a litmus test of his feelings for you. Accept his decision, make other plans for that day and let him miss you. I suspect that he will.
…
Dear Amy: Through the years, my husband has developed an alcohol problem. It has put much stress and strain on our relationship, but he has come to terms with his problems and is working hard on overcoming them. I have taken an active role in helping him. His parents are aware of his struggles.
The problem is that his father is a longtime alcoholic. My husband and I seem to be the only family members not in denial.
His parents live out of town. We don’t see them very often, but my husband and I have gently asked his father to refrain from drinking while in our home – not only for my husband’s sake but also for that of our daughter. Nonetheless, he comes to our house reeking of alcohol with an ice chest of beer in tow, constantly offering beer to my husband.
How should my husband and I handle this?
– Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Your husband needs to take responsibility for his recovery and let his father know unequivocally that your home is a “no-alcohol” zone.
Putting this in writing would be best: “We’re really looking forward to seeing you, Dad. Little Miranda is especially excited to see her granddad. But please remember that we can’t have any alcohol in our home. Don’t bring alcohol of any kind when you come to visit, including beer.”
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
