Dear Amy: I recently found out that I am pregnant. Despite the fact that this was unplanned, I’m confident that I will be a good mother. I am quite excited. The father of my child may be one of two men.
“Kevin” is someone I had been with for several years. We broke up a few years ago but remained very close. Kevin and I recently decided to give our relationship another chance.
I dated “James” for a few months prior to my reconciliation with Kevin. We, too, remained friends after ending our relationship (before I learned about the pregnancy).
I have been honest with them about the possibility that the baby might be theirs. They are excited at the possibility of fatherhood.
Both men, and their respective families, hope that the baby is theirs and want to be involved during my pregnancy.
What is the ethical way to handle these next months? While it would be easiest to lead everyone outside of our immediate families to assume that the father is Kevin, I believe that this would be a slap in the face to James.
We have many acquaintances in common, and it seems wrong to have James be silent while our friends congratulate Kevin.
Is there a way to sidestep the paternity question when asked, without being disrespectful to either man? Should I have two separate baby showers (with each man’s family)? I’m aware that I bear the brunt of responsibility for creating this dilemma, but I want to do what’s best for the baby and what is most fair for both potential dads.
– Expectant Mother
Dear Mother: It is commendable that everybody involved in this situation is getting along so well, but before Noel Coward shows up to mix the martinis for this amiable group, don’t be surprised if different feelings surface during your pregnancy. It would be natural for all concerned parties (including you) to cycle through a range of emotions.
You don’t say whether you intend to stay with “Kevin” regardless of the paternity question, but considering the uncertainty in your situation, you should be low-key until you have established paternity.
Being restrained might cut into your prenatal fun and excitement, but as you’ve said, you got yourself into this jam. You can either attend a baby shower not knowing the child’s paternity (the shower is for the baby, not the parents), or ask to wait until after the baby is born to have a shower. Until then you should continue to be honest and forthright with all family members and cheerfully noncommittal to everyone else. Just pretend you’re Jodie Foster.
If people outside the family assume that Kevin is the father, well, there’s a chance that they’ll be right and James (and you) will just have to tolerate the uncertainty.
If you and all of the families involved can continue to be kind and respectful before, during and after the birth, this child will definitely benefit.
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