Dear Amy: I have been living quite nicely for the past 10 years after receiving a sizable inheritance, although I must still work a full-time job. On numerous occasions, two of my friends have asked me to buy some of their old clothes or appliances. I have declined, but one friend was so pushy about this and other things that we are no longer friends.
My other friend with this mind-set also makes frequent “jokes” about how I owe her money when I don’t. What do you make of this? Must I keep my personal style of living a secret so as not to attract hangers-on? Why do so many people I know believe that they are entitled to my money – whether by schemes or expecting me to treat them to meals out or to events? It almost seems to me that it’s a game with them to see how much they can leverage off of me.
I’m very sorry that these people seem to be jealous and can’t be happy for me. How do I keep my remaining friends and future acquaintances’ hands out of my pockets?
– A Golden Goose
Dear Golden Goose: You need to find a better sort of friend. True friends won’t try to pick your pocket, extort money from you or ask you to purchase their used belongings.
You don’t need to keep your lifestyle a secret. Your money – where it comes from and how much you have – is really nobody’s business and not an appropriate query for any friend to make.
People who experience sudden financial windfalls or reverses learn who their real friends are. Your friends are those who like and accept you, regardless of your financial circumstances.
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Dear Amy: I recently went out to dinner with my aunt and uncle (whom I dislike).
I ordered some food that came with fries. I ate as much as I could because, on other occasions when I was finished with my dinner, my uncle would eat my leftover fries or other food left on my plate.
When I was finished eating all I could, I drowned the fries with ketchup so he couldn’t eat them. Then he said that I had no respect! Well, in my opinion he doesn’t respect me. He just eats my food without asking! For dessert, I ordered an ice cream sundae. I was again trying to eat as much as I could, but I couldn’t finish it. As soon as I was finished, he said something like, “Pass it over here.” I was thinking, “Oh, my God, he ate most of it!” I had a cold at the time! Plus, it was all melted and gross.
Am I wrong to be mad about this?
– Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: I agree that your uncle shouldn’t scam food straight off of your plate while you’re eating and without asking, but you are going to have to find a more effective, mature (and yes, more respectful) way to handle this.
Don’t wolf down your food and then turn it into an art project to get back at your uncle. You need to start by asking him not to take food directly from your plate. Just say, “Uncle, it really bothers me when you do that.” Once you are done with your meal, ask the waiter to bring an extra plate (or use your bread plate). Scoop your leftovers onto the extra plate for your uncle – (or others at the table) to share. If you really want to be nice, you can offer a portion of your fries to him before you eat, but that should be completely up to you.
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