Dear Amy: I am a stay-at-home mother to three young children. More than 10 years ago, my parents divorced, and my mother, who was then in her 50s, moved away.
We had discussions then about my concern that her divorce settlement from my father would not be enough to live on as she got older. Still, after her move, she chose to go into a job with a commission, rather than a salary, and had to dip into her savings regularly.
My mother is now in her mid-60s. She receives Social Security and a small monthly check from my father, but she is just scraping by financially. After paying her bills and buying food, she has no money left for anything else. She has health problems, so a job now is out of the question.
She and other relatives have started suggesting that my brothers and I send her money each month.
My husband makes a good income. We own our home, have two older cars, and though we rarely spend money on luxuries, we are financially secure because we plan ahead.
My brothers also have young children. I say that we need to put the money remaining after bills are paid into a college fund for our kids and retirement savings, but I feel guilty for not helping my mother.
What to do?
– Sandwiched Daughter
Dear Daughter: You should help to support your mother. A relatively small amount from you and your siblings each month could make a tremendous difference to her.
You are a hard-working stay-at-home mom, so I wonder if you can imagine what it would be like to be past middle age (as your mother was) and find yourself divorced, with perhaps no independent savings or retirement plan and thrust into the workforce, having to make long-range financial decisions and find a way to support yourself. (I suggest that you try to imagine this scenario because, despite all of our plans and dreams to the contrary, divorce happens and people are rarely prepared.) It sounds as if your mother went against your advice when she took a job that pays commission, but are you punishing her for this, and if so, to what end? So that her impoverishment will prove a point?
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Dear Amy: How should my husband and I respond to people who are trying to figure out our ages? A woman at the dinner table at our mutual friends’ house wanted to know how many children I have. Then she asked my oldest daughter’s age. I didn’t think anything of it then, so I answered her.
A few minutes later the same woman asked my husband how old his oldest child is.
She knew that we are both in a second marriage and that my husband has five children. I regret that I didn’t stop my husband from answering her question, but he did and she still wasn’t satisfied.
She wanted to know what my husband does for a living! She probably thinks she’s smart to use our kids to figure out how old we are, but she doesn’t know how low it makes her seem. I would never ask a person’s age or weight.
– Bothered
Dear Bothered: I have news for you. Inquiring about the age of a dinner partner’s children – and asking what a fellow guest does for a living – is not an inquisition but the start of a conversation.
When learning that you have a seventh-grader, a thoughtful person can then ask, “Is she enjoying middle school?” When learning that your husband has a college-age child, she could respond, “Does she know what she wants to do when she gets out of school?” When learning what your husband does for a living, she can then say, “Oh, that sounds so interesting!” You and your husband’s ages might not be as fascinating to others as you imagine.
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