Dear Amy: We have a son and were expecting a daughter. There were complications, and we lost her a few weeks shy of her due date.
It has been three months. It has been soul-crushing, but we’re healing.
We had planned on giving our daughter a name of special significance in my wife’s family. Everyone in the family knew this.
When we knew that our daughter wouldn’t survive, we decided not to use this family name in hopes of using it in the future.
My wife’s sister and her husband have three kids (two daughters) and are now planning on using this family name. They are expecting their next child later in the year.
My wife is incensed, and I’m not far behind her.
It strikes me as particularly hurtful as my wife and her sister were in close contact all through our pregnancy and all of the tough decisions we had to make. She has had two other chances to use this family name and chose not to use it. To use it now seems particularly cruel.
My wife cannot figure out if she somehow offended her sister, or what’s up, and I’m not speaking with her for fear of losing my cool.
I’ve asked my wife’s parents to intervene, and they say they’ve spoken with her, but nothing has come of it.
I fear that this will cause a permanent rift in what has been a very close sisterly relationship. What would you suggest?
– Grieving and Angry
Dear Grieving: Your grief and anger about this are completely understandable, but is there any possibility that your wife’s sister thinks that she is somehow honoring you and your baby by using this name for her next child? Your wife’s parents might not have done a very good job of conveying your point of view.
You and your wife should compose a letter, explaining your position and asking your sister-in-law and her husband to reconsider this choice.
After you write the letter, don’t send it for two days. Make sure that it conveys exactly how you feel. Don’t say anything extreme, which could make matters worse. Say how you feel and how hard this has been for you. If there is a way for you to compromise (perhaps they could use the name as a middle name), then you should suggest it.
I hope that you are getting and will continue to receive support.
Compassionate Friends offers support for grieving parents (compassionatefriends.org).
…
Dear Amy: I agree with your suggestion of calling in-laws by their first name.
I have an extremely shy father-in-law, who, for the entire time his in-laws were alive (they lived into their 90s) did not know how to address them. For 45 years, he did not directly address them! He would say, “Oscar, we are going to your grandmother’s” or “Oscar, your grandmother is here,” etc.
My mother actually requested that her sons-in-law use her first name rather than some name that made neither of them completely comfortable.
– All Adults
Dear All Adults: This is a conversation that should take place early on in a marriage, with the idea that mutual comfort is the ultimate goal.
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