Dear Amy: I seem to be engaged to the village tramp.
I mean, I love her dearly, but at every family function at least one male member of her family makes raw sexual remarks about my fiancée, and she says nothing. They never make comments like this to any of the other women present.
I’ve asked her about this many times, and she said she’s accepted that that’s the way those guys are and that she can’t change them.
I am at my wits’ end and can’t stand to be around any of them any longer.
This is driving a wedge between us, and she can’t understand what my problem is. I’ve told her that if she doesn’t have enough self-respect to stand up to her family, then I don’t want to be around them because, as her fiancé, I feel disrespected.
Her family seems to think that I’m the one with the problem. What do you recommend?
– The Fiancé
Dear Fiancé: Let me get this straight. Your fiancées family makes crude sexual comments to and about your girl, and this is disrespectful to you? They make comments about her and yet you paraphrase their name-
calling and refer to her as “the village tramp?” (I understand that you’re reflecting their view, not your own, but still …) I agree that in general people need to stand up to their own families and command respect for themselves, but this is a special case. As your fiancée’s future husband and a future member of this lovely family, you should step up and insist that this talk is outrageous and needs to stop.
So yes – each and every time this happens, you should ask them to stop. If it doesn’t stop, then you and your fiancée should gather up your things and leave. I agree that you shouldn’t be around these people.
…
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. She does all of the cooking, and I do 80 percent of the grocery shopping.
It never fails that when I bring home the groceries, which she has asked for, she will find one or two items that are either the wrong brand or the wrong cooking type (such as instant versus five-minute rice). She will give me a list over the phone without any specific types or brands, but one week brand “X” is OK and next week it is wrong.
I would like to tell her to do the shopping, but she is a poor shopper. She only buys for the moment and forgets toilet paper, sugar and staples.
How should I approach her on this problem? It really bothers me.
– Shopped Out
Dear Shopped: I agree that what your wife is doing is wrong, and I wonder if you can charm her out of it. The problem between the two of you seems to be partly one of organization.
You should sit down together during a quiet time (not as you’re racing out the door) and write up a list of items you’re going to need – including brand names, if that’s important.
This way, if you bring home what you’ve agreed upon and your wife complains, then you can say, “Wait a minute. Let me recheck the list.
Yep – this is the same thing that we wrote down.” Sometimes, couples who have been together for a long time seem to settle into an unpleasant groove of carping and criticizing. (This runs both ways – you have problems with how your wife shops, too.) You two can break the cycle by finding new ways to do things – and by remembering to praise each other for the things that go right.
I hope, for instance, that you remember to say, “Honey, this meal is delicious!” from time to time. A simple and unexpected word of praise can help set a new pattern for the two of you. So can occasionally bringing home a bunch of flowers along with the minute rice.
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