Dear Amy: I’m responding to letters in your column discussing underage drinking. I’m one of those parents who have “served alcohol to minors in their home.” I do not think that this is a sign of “negligence.” I know that it is illegal to do so. I also know that kids will go to places to get alcohol, despite the law or what their parents want.
I let my very responsible son and a dozen of his friends run the party. There were no fights or sex allowed. Teasing to encourage excess drinking was not allowed. My son and his friends kept the party a friendly, safe and enjoyable space.
No one was allowed to drive away drunk. Either a designated driver took them home, parents or older siblings were called to pick them up, or I took kids back to their own homes. If kids were not able to get home, they could stay the night – again supervised. We never hid this from parents. I clearly explained what was going to be allowed to parents who spoke to me about the party beforehand. If they did not want to allow their children to drink, they could either trust that their child would attend and not drink or forbid that child to come.
If that child came anyway, then that child would probably have disobeyed their parents by going to another party – less well supervised.
– Not So Appalled Parent
Dear Parent: I can tell that you believe you’ve really cracked the code to good parenting. I beg to differ.
Your attitude reflects the sort of twisted thinking that creates young people who believe that rules, laws, etc., don’t necessarily apply to them. You are teaching your son and his friends that it is OK to ignore the law.
You seem more willing to be a bouncer than a parent. If my child went to your son’s party and was served alcohol provided by you in your home, I would call the police and hope that they would do what you seem unable to do – say “no” to your kids.
…
Dear Amy: Last fall, after much relationship turmoil and deliberation, my brother-in-law became engaged to a young woman nearly half his age.
He bought his fiancée an expensive engagement ring.
I purchased a pair of pearl earrings and sent them to his fiancée with a note attached with the theme, “Pearls of wisdom from the sister-in-law- to-be.” My brother-in-law’s sister also sent this gal pearls.
Not long afterward, the fiancée broke off the engagement and returned the engagement ring to my brother-in-law. (She recently called and asked to have it back!) Should she have returned the pearly gifts?
– Wanting for Wisdom
Dear Wanting: Any gifts given to the bride-to-be related to the wedding should be returned. It doesn’t sound as if these pearly gifts will be returned, however.
Courts have wrestled with this issue, and many states have developed statutes concerning who owns wedding gifts. I’m not necessarily recommending that you force this issue, mind you; it seems that the less contact with her, the better.
…
Dear Amy: This is in response to the writer who said that with three teenage children, sometimes early Sunday morning is the only time he has to mow the lawn. You responded that with three teenage children, he should never have to mow the lawn.
Amen to that! Have “chores” gone the way of the dinosaur? My 5-year-old and 8-year-old have chores, but in speaking with other mothers, we’re definitely in the minority.
I say to those parents to get a tall glass of iced tea, a lounge chair and put the kids to work.
– Old-fashioned in Conn.
Dear Old-fashioned: If you can teach the kids to hop-to when you say, “Peel me a grape,” from your lounge chair, then your work is truly done.
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