Dear Amy: I am about to be a senior in college, and I have been living with the same three girls since our freshman year. We used to do everything together and were inseparable.
Around Thanksgiving of last year, one of my roommates and best friends, “Tanya,” started dating another of our friends, “Steve,” who is controlling, obsessive and has an anger problem. He does not “allow” Tanya to hang out with us anymore, and he gets angry when she doesn’t spend every minute with him. He is very jealous and has gone so far as to delete every male friend from her “buddy list.” He does not like it when she goes out with us, but it’s OK for him to hang out with his friends any time he wants.
One time, she went out and had a beer without him, and he didn’t talk to her for three days. About a month ago, they broke up. Tanya was really upset, but she did very well and didn’t call him for a week.
Lately, however, he has started coming back into her life. Now it is almost like they are dating again. She doesn’t hang out with us, ditches us every chance she gets to hang out with him, and she lies to us when she is with him. Tanya swears up and down that they are not getting back together, but I don’t believe it. I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but it doesn’t do any good. It drives her further away from us and closer to him.
What can I do? I’m losing my best friend to an emotionally abusive relationship with a jerk. – Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt: If you truly want to be supportive to your friend, you won’t insist that she choose between you and her jerky boyfriend. When you do that, you drive her toward him and drive her relationship underground.
I agree that he sounds controlling and manipulative. This relationship seems unhealthy. But you are acting as if her choice of boyfriends is a referendum on your friendship, and it isn’t. Her choice to be with “Steve” is a reflection of her own feelings about herself. You run the risk of making her feel that you are attempting to control her, just as he is.
You will do best to offer her a positive example. She already knows how you feel about her boyfriend, so stop discussing him. Focus on her good qualities, boost her up and let your friendship be a refuge for her.
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