Q: My wife’s sister left her husband of 15 years. She has invited my wife and me to an overnight visit at her new boyfriend’s house. I say that accepting the invitation would give the appearance of approval. I feel she should end one relationship or at least begin legal proceedings – she has not – before living with another man. My wife says it is not for us to judge. Should we visit her and her cohabiter du jour?
– David Sutton, Pleasant Hill, Calif.
A: Considering that your sister- in-law was married for 15 years, “cohabiter du jour” is a bit severe. You should accept her invitation. Whom are you giving “the appearance of approval” to? Your wife knows your views. Your sister-in- law is unmoved by them. The American people? This visit is unlikely to get much television coverage. Not even local news is this local.
A principled refusal can be estimable in the public arena. But private life is different. Visiting a relative is not an endorsement of his or her every action. Instead, family life should call forth understanding and tolerance. To gripe about an in-law is a marital privilege; to shun an in-law is overly doctrinaire.
What’s more, your wife’s feelings must be considered. You ought not simply issue a no-sleepover edict. You might at least consider a socialize-with-relatives, sleep-at-a-motel compromise.
Update: For unrelated reasons, the visit was canceled. When the sister-in-law issued another invite, the Suttons went for dinner but not for an overnight.
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Q: Two years ago, I lived in Singapore, and my apartment was robbed. Recently, when I returned, I found that the robber was sentenced to 10 years in prison and 10 strokes of the cane. The sentence seems excessive and the caning barbaric. I want to appeal for mercy on his behalf, but must I accept Singaporean justice? When in Asia, do I do as the Asians do?
– David J. Powell, East Granby, Conn.
A: It depends what the Asians do. To treat other people in other places with dignity does not mean treating them uncritically. You don’t abandon moral reason when you leave home. To keep silent is not a sign of respect but of sloth or fear or condescension.
When you speak up, do so with civility, with knowledge of local history and local values and with the modest demeanor appropriate to a visitor to another country. You might also make your appeal through local reform groups.
Such appeals cut both ways. One hundred and fifty years ago, Europeans criticized America’s slave-owning and, more recently, our treatment of prisoners. It can be instructive to have one’s conduct examined from another perspective.
Send questions and comments for Randy Cohen to Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or ethicist@nytimes.com.
