Dear Amy: I am about to start my freshman year of college 20 hours away from my home. I don’t know anybody there.
I was notified who my roommate is in early July so that I could at least bond with one person before school starts. I e-mailed her, and gave her my ideas on what we should each contribute to the dorm room, along with a few details about myself. She replied with no details about herself or what she might be bringing to school.
I hadn’t heard from her in weeks until a couple of days ago when she e-mailed me. She said that her boyfriend was going to be visiting her during the first two weeks of school, and that he would be hanging out in our room and possibly crashing in our room. She wanted to know if that was OK with me.
What should I do? – Confused
Dear Confused: Welcome to college. Having fun yet? Rest assured, however – this is one of the trickiest issues you’ll face.
It is completely understandable that you want your roommate to like you, but giving in to her won’t make her like you. I suggest that you attempt to establish a relationship in which she at least respects you. Mutual respect is the rock-bottom minimum for any successful cohabiting relationship.
Your roommate’s request is unreasonable, and I suspect that she knows it. You should give her your answer now – before you meet face to face and before this boy shows up.
Craft an e-mail saying something like, “I really appreciate your asking how I would feel about having your boyfriend stay over, but it is not OK with me. Maybe you can make another arrangement while he’s visiting, but I don’t feel comfortable having him stay overnight in the room.” Your college’s housing office is used to dealing with this sort of issue. Don’t hesitate to get them involved.
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Dear Amy: I share an office with a co-worker who is very negative about our workplace and its management team. We sit 4 feet from each other. Her negativity has washed over onto me, and I also have become very negative.
Yes, our office is mired in problems, but I was doing OK until she moved into the office four months ago.
I asked my supervisor if I could move to another office so that I could escape her negativity (I didn’t give him the real reason). I want him to think that I’m a “team player.” He denied my request.
How do I get out of this situation? I have come to hate my work and my work environment. – Worked Up
Dear Worked: You could try again to get your desk changed by simply telling your boss that you have different working styles than your colleague and that you believe you could be more productive elsewhere.
You’re not being a poor “teammate” if you are being proactive about trying to improve your situation. Otherwise, you need to learn how to ignore your co-worker.
Negativity can be powerful, and I’m not assuming that you can influence your co-worker enough to change her toxic behavior, but this is a workplace challenge that you need to prove that you can rise above.
If nothing else works, another way to get your desk changed might be through a promotion. If you don’t let this situation defeat you, then perhaps it can give you extra motivation.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
