Dear Amy: I am the stepfather of three boys, and the proud father of a brand-new baby girl.
I love my stepsons as if they were mine, but I’m at the end of my rope. While they all have problems getting along with one another, the eldest, who is 12, can be an absolute nightmare. He hits his younger brothers, ages 6 and 8 (he has taken swings at his mom and me too), mouths off at his mother and me, is disrespectful, argumentative and doesn’t listen.
He repeatedly does things he knows he’s not allowed to do. The only discipline he receives is oral, which he ignores. His mother is sparse with discipline, yet disapproves of any tack I take, disagreeing with me loudly in front of him.
And on top of this, when relatives come to visit, they bring gifts for him. He recently received money from an aunt (who had nothing for his brothers) and a bag of art supplies from another aunt.
I feel as if he is holding the family hostage.
– Don’t Know What to Do
Dear Don’t Know: With a new baby at home, undoubtedly the entire house is stressed, but if your 12-year-old is violent toward you and his mother and brothers, then things have clearly spun way out of control. You might resent pouring even more attention onto him, but that’s what you need to do.
Your stepson might have hidden learning or emotional difficulties that he can’t cope with. The inconsistent discipline in your household hasn’t shown him a clear path. You and your wife must get and stay on the same page when it comes to guiding him – every time she criticizes you in his presence she is undermining your relationship with him.
You, your wife and stepson should see a counselor together (the counselor might then want to see him on his own). He should be evaluated for any physical or emotional issues, and the three of you should commit to working together. Your school’s guidance counselor or your local Department of Children and Family Services could refer you to a counselor who specializes in working with adolescent boys.
At 12, your stepson could be on the verge of big trouble if he doesn’t get help with his rage.
A book that offers insight into the mysteries of boyhood is “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys,” by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. I highly recommend it.
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Dear Amy: My sister and I went to the movies last night. We’re in our 20s.
While in the theater corridor, a small child who was no more then 4 years old smacked me on the bottom and cheered loudly. His mother laughed and told him to use his inside voice.
I was in complete shock with both parties’ behavior. I didn’t say a word. How should I have responded?
– Mad at the Movies
Dear Mad: You could have looked at this child and said, “Wow. That hurt me. I wish you would say, ‘I’m sorry.”‘ I wouldn’t miss the movie waiting for an apology, but I think that a 4-year-old is old enough to hear that not everybody is amused by his behavior.
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