Dear Amy: I am a 59-year-old gay man in a relationship of more than 20 years with a man who is eight years younger.
Although we care deeply about each other, we no longer have a sexual relationship, because of my loss of interest about 10 years ago.
About a year ago I retired after working all my adult life. I feel I have earned the right to enjoy life and have discovered new interests, e.g. yoga, swimming, the Internet and going back to college.
My partner has not supported any of my new interests and has even ridiculed them. I feel I am moving my life in new directions while he is floundering (he has a tough job, which he hates, and no chance of retirement soon).
Since my retirement, I am less depressed and my sex drive has returned, although I am not attracted to him. I have had (safe) sex recently with other men, but I have not told him. He has also had some sexual encounters, which is OK with me. We have no desire to hurt each other. I think he knows it isn’t working anymore but is afraid to be the first to raise the issue. How do I get out of this with a minimum of pain?
– Drowning Man
Dear Drowning: From where I sit, it looks as if your longtime partner was good enough for you when you were depressed, working and with no libido, but now that you’re comfortably retired, no longer depressed and your sex drive has returned, you want to dump him.
It might help to clarify matters if you would at least admit that you are ditching him.
There is no pain-free way to do this, but I’d suggest that you stop blaming your partner for being younger and stuck in a challenging job that he hates. Admit that you’ve had sex outside of the relationship, say how you’re feeling, apologize for hurting him and be prepared to be blamed for your choice.
A counselor who specializes in working with gay couples (they’re out there) could help you frame this in a way that will help you and your partner work through the pain.
…
Dear Amy: Old women should not be giving advice to young parents regarding how to get boys to have their hair cut. Take the boys to a video arcade? Offer them ice cream sundaes? You and Susan B. Anthony need to get together and talk about the good old days. Fathers do get to decide what little boys look like.
If more fathers stood up and did their job, we wouldn’t have little boys running around looking like Andy Warhol.
– Gene
Dear Gene: In my response to “Hair Today,” I suggested that one way for this family to deal with the battle over hair length (the father was the only one who wanted the boys to have short hair) would be for Dad to take each of his three sons individually to the barber and use the visit as an opportunity to spend “guy” time with them.
Back in the old days when dinosaurs ruled the earth, a trip to the barber was considered “quality time” when men could be men and boys could bask in a little unfiltered testosterone.
In the “I see dead people” department, I consulted with Susan B. Anthony on this, and she agrees with me that there are more important battles to fight than the one over hair length. Andy Warhol agrees with you.
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