Dear Amy: My husband is in the military and serving his third tour in Iraq. I trust my husband to remain faithful to me and professional in his job when he is away.
The last time he came home, however, things were different. He spent hours on the phone with one of his “friends,” and when I asked whom he was spending so much time talking to, he lied and told me he was speaking to a guy friend of his from Iraq, trying to help him through some tough times. Then I learned that he was talking to a woman he became friends with in Iraq.
When I asked him to stop, he promised me that he would not speak to her again.
I recently received an anonymous letter in the mail accusing my husband of having an affair with this woman. The letter said that they had been living together in Iraq and that he had ruined her marriage.
I sent a copy of the letter to my husband, and he said there was no truth to it. Then I received a phone call from this woman’s former father-in-law accusing my husband of the same things that the letter had said. My husband again denied everything.
I believe my husband, but I do not know what to think about this letter and call. I do not know why people would intentionally add stress to our already stressful situation.
My husband told me that I just needed to accept the fact that there are mean people in the world and that bad things sometimes happen to good people. I know he is right. Am I silly for letting this get to me?
– Confused Army Wife
Dear Army Wife: Of course you believe your husband, and of course I do not. Your husband is right in this regard, however: There are mean people in this world, and bad things sometimes do happen to good people.
The fact that your husband is in the midst of his third deployment adds many layers to this story; I can only imagine the strain that both of you are under. However, not even war gives your husband a pass to cheat, then lie to you and then lie to you some more.
You need support from other military spouses. Check with your base chaplain’s office to see if there are spouse support and discussion groups you can join.
I’d also like to recommend two books – “Under the Sabers: The Unwritten Code of Army Wives,” by Tanya Biank (2006, St. Martin’s Press) and “While They’re at War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront,” by Kristin Henderson (2006, Houghton Mifflin).
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Dear Amy: When I read a letter in your column about a man using “bad” humor and putting down his wife in public, I thought of my sister. Her husband would “put her down” all the time. It was painful for all of us. We almost cheered when she handled the situation.
At Thanksgiving dinner, he once again made a hurtful remark “as a joke.” She called him on it and said that she had warned him that it was not funny, not appropriate and that she would not allow it anymore. She said that he “could expect to be reminded any time he did this, whether in public or private.” We didn’t hear his “humor” for a long time after that.
This behavior is very destructive and abusive. It affects everyone who witnesses it.
– Been There
Dear Been There: I applaud your sister for publicly standing up for herself. This is just the sort of incident that makes Thanksgiving so interesting for many families. Well done!
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