LAS VEGAS — Not long ago, Lisa Nichols took her three boys to see the polar bear exhibit at the zoo. They were waiting in line when another kid walked up, put two hands on her 5-year-old’s shoulders and shoved him out of the way.
Nichols says she promptly walked up to the boy, gently put her arm on him and said, “‘Excuse me, that was very rude. You should not be shoving other people. You don’t shove my son.’ “He just looked at me and said, ‘Whatever.’ His mom was standing right there and didn’t say a word.” As many parents know, disciplining other people’s children can be tricky and uncomfortable – even when, like Nichols, of Broken Arrow, Okla., you think you’re doing the right thing.
Problems with other kids can arise anywhere — the park, a birthday party or when another child comes over to play. But do parents have the right to discipline other children? And if so, what’s the best way to go about it? ——— Experts suggest approaching the parent first.
“You may be much more effective talking to the parents, rather than talking to the child,” says Lawrence Kutner, a clinical psychologist who teaches at Harvard Medical School. “The child does not have an ongoing relationship with you. All you are is a big stranger who says ‘don’t do that,’ whereas they have to go home with this child-care provider or parent.” Of course, it’s easier and less confrontational to reprimand the child. Approaching the parent requires a lot of tact and diplomacy, Kutner and others say.
——— Start out positive, they advise.
“You can’t ever make accusations,” says Jonathan Bloomberg, a psychiatrist and director of the Bloomberg Institute, a treatment center for children in Northbrook, Ill. “People don’t appreciate that.” By saying something like: “I noticed this happened… ” parents can try to read the other parent to see if they are going to become agitated.
Kutner suggests something along the lines of: “I’ve been watching your child play and he strikes me as a very creative child … but one thing that concerns me, and I’m sure would concern you as well, is your child… .” Nichols, the Oklahoma mom, has occasionally said something to another parent in a playground, but tries to phrase it in a question.
“Do you think that’s safe for him to be doing that?” she has asked.
“I try to be nonconfrontational. People let their kids get away with way too much.” ——— Sometimes, of course, the other parent isn’t around, isn’t paying attention or doesn’t mind that their child is poking another kid in the eye with a plastic sword.
“If the parent isn’t close by, set the limit with the child and then say, ‘Where is your mommy,’ or ‘Where is your daddy?”‘ says Caroline S. Clauss-Ehlers, an assistant professor of counseling psychology at Rutgers University.
——— If another child’s behavior is a safety issue, intervene immediately.
——— Parents should adjust their response according to their own child’s development.
“A lot of times as parents we think it’s our job to sort of stick up for our children and defend them from any injustice that takes place on the playground. But it’s not that simple,” Bloomberg says. “You don’t want to overreact.” When one of his sons was 9, Bloomberg saw another boy throw a basketball at his son’s chest. He rushed outside and confronted the boy. But his son protested that the boys could have worked things out on their own.
Sometimes, Bloomberg adds, it might be enough for the parent simply to go over and stand by the children; the mere presence of an adult may stop the behavior.
——— If the other parents are friends, discipline problems may be easier to handle.
“It’s never any other parent’s position to spank a child.
That’s not acceptable,” Clauss-Ehlers says. “But in terms of setting limits or things like that, I would talk to the parents.
… The rules are the rules.”
