Dear Margo: I am in my early 20s. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and have a wonderful relationship. We’ve survived three periods of long distance, one breakup (soon reversed) and a host of other issues. We are absolutely supportive of one another in all matters.
I have just been offered a dream job in Europe. There is no question of my turning it down. My boyfriend is entirely behind me. However, this means I will be gone for at least six months, perhaps a year or even two.
As I’ve mentioned, we’ve gotten through long distance before, but it was a horrible strain, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to go through it again. I am sure he agrees, although we haven’t yet discussed it (this is all very new and sudden).
I am not sure how to proceed. Open relationship? Hiatus, with the intention of giving things another shot later? Classic breakup? And in any of these scenarios, how do I get over a relationship that is ending entirely for external reasons?
I don’t know how I’m going to be able to grieve when nothing went wrong in the relationship and I’ll be living in a new city with no friends. — Off to Europe but in a Funk
Dear Off: If nothing went wrong, you don’t have to grieve, honey. Live your adventure and let time do its work. You say it’s your dream job and you’ve decided you’re going. That is where you start.
You are not exactly “breaking up,” so it’s not “classic.” In actuality, it is both a hiatus and an open relationship. Time apart will determine what happens. Either of you may meet someone, or you may pick up where you left off when you return.
As for the new city with no friends, I am guessing your future associates will help you feel settled. — Margo, providentially
She Married Pygmalion
Dear Margo: I am newly married to a man whom I seem to be making quite miserable. We fight every day about the same things, and I cannot seem to do the things he expects. He is very organized, thoughtful, driven and structured. I, on the other hand, am ditzy, procrastinate and struggle to maintain the correct priorities. I’ve always been a free spirit.
My 2-and-1/2-year-old daughter has been the center of my life, and I’ve raised her on my own since she was born. I try to remember things, make lists and have joined FlyLady.net, but I continually fall short. I am subjected to long litanies about how awful I am, though he says he still loves me and I’m a good wife and mother.
I’ve always worked from home, but he had me put my daughter in day care and start working a regular job as I get ready to return to college. I feel scared, trapped and don’t know what to do. He won’t do counseling. — Exponentially Exasperated
Dear Ex: You sound quite wonderful to me, perhaps because I identify with some of your qualities (though I admit I have a husband who finds them charming). The two of you just sound mismatched, and your spouse sounds as though he’d like to mold you into another kind of woman.
When you say you “fall short,” I am guessing that would be by his lights, not yours. I don’t know how he can fault you for so many things and still declare you a good wife and mother. I intuit that putting your daughter in day care was not your decision, though it may become necessary if you do return to college.
Because this is a new marriage in which you feel trapped and scared (and clearly unappreciated for who you are), I suggest couples counseling before you consider liberating yourself from Professor Higgins. — Margo, correctively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
