Dear Amy: I have been having an affair with a 32-year-old married man for about a year. I never thought I would ever be the “other” woman.
I did not know he was married at first. He told me two months after we started seeing each other when he said, “My wife is pregnant.” I was shocked and ended the relationship, but he wanted to continue seeing me.
We meet up every two weeks or so to have sex. He made it very clear that he only wants sex from me, that he loves his wife but just needs a little variety. He also said if it wasn’t with me, it would be with someone else.
The reason I continue is that I want to have regular sex until I meet someone else. I am 40 and divorced. I did not like the forced celibacy after my divorce. I feel guilty that I have continued in this relationship, but I guess I just don’t feel guilty enough to end it. No one knows about this affair. We are very discreet.
Is that so wrong? — The Other Woman
Dear Other: Is there anything wrong with what you’re doing? Yes — every single thing.
You and the other consenting adult aren’t the only people affected by your choice. His wife and child are also involved. They don’t know about it, didn’t ask for this and don’t deserve it, and yet there they are in a consensual relationship they didn’t consent to.
I’m wondering if there might be an unattached man out there who might satisfy your celibacy issues without your feeling that you have to resort to this very depressing, diminishing experience. I say it’s depressing and diminishing because for every encounter, you lose a little more of who you are. You haven’t had another, healthier relationship because you aren’t available for one.
A therapist could provide you with an important outlet to discuss and explore your needs and choices — sexual and otherwise. I hope you’ll ditch this relationship and pursue counseling.
Dear Amy: While this might not be conventional wisdom, my four siblings and I are living proof that “staying together for the sake of the children” is not always best.
We knew our parents were miserable for years, and some of us blamed ourselves.
We later learned that each of us had suggested to at least one parent that they separate. They finally did so when my youngest sister was in college, and we all breathed a big sigh of relief. Sure, it was a rough patch, but they were still young enough to enter into new relationships. Mom is now a widow, but she is definitely happier than she was in that bad marriage.
They are both good people who married too young and brought out the worst in the other.
We’re all much happier since they decided to part. — Better Apart
Dear Apart: Your experience echoes that of other readers who have commented on the wisdom of staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. Sometimes, the children do better when the environment stabilizes after parents split.
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