A DieHard offer.
“Being a Minnesota native, someone who grew up playing hockey and a fan of the Wild, I am writing to personally apologize for my team beating up your Avs. Like so many soccer moms, I really wish both teams could win. That way, everyone would be happy. I woke up this morning to sunny blue skies, with temps in the 50s. And, by the way, my car started up just fine, so I’m not sure what your ‘Land of 10,000 dead batteries’ slam was referring to. Toughen up, dude.”
Ugly Betty, Minnetonka, Minn.
Kiz: Here’s a standing offer: If any of my hockey-loving friends in Minny ever forget to plug in the car on a winter night and need a jump- start in the morning, I’m the guy to get them going, don’t you think?
I’m a big boy now.
“You are a crybaby, and you need to find your big-boy pants quickly. It’s painfully obvious you have never played the great game of hockey and are on some sort of Rocky Mountain ‘high.’ ”
Mike, Blaine, Minn.
Kiz: This morning, I’m wearing my pants with “Sunday” printed in black ink inside the waistband.
Lamer vs. Lamer.
“What is beautiful hockey? Do you have the sport confused with some movie starring Meryl Streep?”
Jon, Minneapolis
Kiz: I bet it’s one of Ms. Streep’s few regrets that she was not cast as Anita in “Slap Shot” and never had the chance to utter the unforgettable line: “How dare you! How dare you!”
Thugs on ice.
“Hockey is not figure skating! If you want to see flowers and beauty, try watching Stars on Ice!”
Jeremy, Rosemount, Minn.
Kiz: I’m more of a Disney on Ice guy myself. Big Minnesota lug Derek Boogaard would be perfect for the role of Goofy.
Give the devil his due.
“I’m sure the clowns in Minnesota are giving you heck. Don’t let them get to you. I can’t stand the Wild. Its last two acquisitions were throwaways from other teams: Chris Simon and Todd Fedoruk. What cement heads! The Wild plays just like you say. And I know hockey. I played in Europe for seven years and am a USA Hockey referee.”
Scott, Minneapolis
Kiz: It’s amusing how some members of the hockey media regard the sport as a secret sect that can only be understood by true believers. For example: A Minneapolis reporter recently published a rant in which he exclaimed I “obviously” didn’t know playoff hockey or have any history with Wild coach Jacques Lemaire. Let’s see. While my memory is foggy after covering more than 100 playoff games in recent years, I seem to recall being present when New Jersey won the Cup in 1995. Who coached that team?
A grisly sight, indeed.
“I do agree. The Minnesota Wild has the worst uniforms since the Los Angeles Kings’ yellow pajamas.”
Phil, Phoenix
Kiz: You want ugly? Well, Bryant “Big Country” Reeves donning light teal in an old Vancouver Grizzlies’ uni, which was also adorned with more logos than a NASCAR driver’s jumpsuit, was definitely not a good look.
This cat is fast as lightning.
“Are you telling me the Avalanche’s uniform is good? Maroon and powder blue? Yech!”
Terry, St. Louis
Kiz: OK, you want to know the worst sports uniform of all time? The World Football League was tacky. But nothing said disco disaster quite like the magenta-and- orange attire worn by the Southern California Sun, whose ensemble was completed with a gaudy white belt. Why did you have to remind me? Every time I think of those awful football threads, I cannot get “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas out of my head for days.
Parting shot
And today’s parting shot does not have to be stronger than a breeze to knock down Avalanche star Peter Forsberg, if you believe this whining from a Wild and crazy fan.
“Do the Avs have their own version of the Oscars? They must . . . and the top award goes to the best dive. It must be why Forsberg came back: to win one of those awards. But he should be careful, though. Ryan Smyth is trying hard to get some votes.”
Mike, St. Paul, Minn.
