Dear Amy: I have been with my wife for 10 years. Up until recent months, I considered her without a doubt my best friend. Our marriage has generally been solid, but we went through some difficult life choices in recent months that created substantial hurt feelings.
I have always prided myself on keeping promises. I also have been judgmental toward those who cheat, which is why I was stunned to find myself becoming infatuated — and then, falling in love with — a colleague.
This happened during the recent difficult period in my marriage.
My colleague and I recently agreed to end our affair. I decided I could not abandon the promise I made to my wife to be there for her.
My wife and I will be moving in a few months. I have been hoping that I will be able to forget the one I loved here and move on.
All I can say, and it is no excuse, is that I did not go looking for this; my feelings hit me hard and unexpectedly.
I am in a lot of pain because I feel that my colleague may have been the true love of my life. But I am not so selfish to believe that this is more important than my wife’s happiness. She would be devastated to know about this.
Amy, I want to know if you think I did the right thing in ending the affair.
Am I doing anyone any favors by staying married when I have strong feelings for another? I need advice. — Torn Apart
Dear Torn: I want you to get your “best friend” back. You can only do so by working your way back into the intimacy you and your wife need and deserve to have.
You need to become an active participant in your own life by making affirmative choices. You did the right thing by ending the affair, and now it’s time to do the hard work required to get your life back.
Your marriage can survive this, but only if you include your wife in the process.
You should talk this through with a therapist who specializes in working with couples. You need to disclose this experience to your wife and hold her hand as she cycles through the myriad emotions your infidelity will raise.
Dear Amy: I’ve been reading with interest the discussions around the predicament of “Helpless and Clueless,” the woman whose 5-year-old niece told people that her boyfriend had threatened to punch her.
My 5-year-old granddaughter has told me a few things that have given me pause. Some were true and some were not.
When these allegations involve other people, I sometimes invite a light discussion with her (I might say, “You mentioned the other day that ‘X’ threatened to punch you. Can you tell me about that again?”) As long as we keep things gentle and nonconfrontational, that usually clears things up.
Five-year-olds are just coming to grips with many developmental issues such as the distinction between reality and fantasy, the difference between playful teasing and mean teasing, and whom to trust with their secrets and fears.
Getting things out into the open paves the way for consistent guidance when dilemmas arise and teaches children that their experiences matter to us.
It also teaches them that their words have an impact on others, and that things are going to be all right even if they tell a truth that gets someone else in trouble. — Nana in North Carolina
Dear Nana: I completely agree with your thoughtful assessment.
Young children do make things up. They also tell the truth — and versions, shadings and portions of the truth.
Whenever children make an allegation, adults should help them explore the meaning behind what they are saying. As you say, children need to learn that it’s important to tell the truth — even if it gets someone in trouble.
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