Dear Amy: Do you believe a spouse should receive a personal thank-you in the following circumstances?
A. A nephew of a married couple receives a graduation gift from them. The nephew picks up the telephone and calls the uncle. He thanks him for the gift. He does not call his uncle’s spouse. Shouldn’t the aunt be thanked, as well? B. An adult (age 33), the stepchild of the spouse, receives gifts, not only for birthdays and Christmas, but monthly gifts of several hundred dollars. Should the stepparent be thanked because both the parent and stepparent contribute to the income? C. An extended family of 20 gets together several times over a period of years. One husband repeatedly picks up the check with no offers from anyone else, even to pay the tip. Shouldn’t the spouse of that husband be thanked, as well as the husband? In other words, not, “Thank you, Joe, for the dinner. We enjoyed it,” but rather, “Thank you, Joe and Cindy, for the dinner. We enjoyed it.” — Thankless Spouse
Dear Spouse: A spouse shouldn’t have to be specifically thanked for each and every act of generosity to feel appreciated. This is very easy to fix, and your husband (I gather you and he are the spouses in question) is the person to fix it, by creating a template of sorts for others to follow.
In example A, when the nephew called the uncle to say thanks for the graduation gift, the uncle could have said, “Thanks for the call, Robert — let me put Cindy on the phone, so you can thank her too.” In example B, the father should make sure the child receiving gifts knows that the stepparent is contributing to these gifts and payments.
In example C, when a spouse is publicly thanked for picking up the check, he should say, “I can’t take all the credit — this is from both of us.” But do you need to be specifically singled out each time your husband is thanked for something? I hope not.
Dear Amy: I am dating a wonderful man, “Barry,” who has the same personality as mine, can make me laugh and treats me really well. The only problem is that he is married, but he is separated from his wife.
She cheated on him and left him for another man. Now she wants him back, and every time she gets into a fight with her boyfriend, she runs to Barry and spends the night with him.
I am really upset over this and don’t know what to do. I was thinking about saying that her staying there upsets me, but I don’t know how to bring it up.
My friends say I should dump him and move on. What should I do? — Confused
Dear Confused: Now I’m confused. You can date someone and presumably sleep with him, and yet you can’t figure out how to have a conversation with him? Everything about this relationship is upside down. “Barry” is married and still with his wife — at least when it suits them to be together.
You haven’t presented a shred of evidence of his supposed wonderfulness, and if his current behavior falls under the category of “treating you well,” then you need to seriously rethink your standards.
Your girlfriends are right. It’s time for you to mosey along, and after you do so, you should reflect on your expectations and retool your standards.
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