Dear Margo: My husband and I have been married for five years. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 3 and 1. My problem is that my mother-in-law buys gifts for my oldest daughter and signs the card with the name of her deceased son (my daughter’s uncle). I explained to her that I didn’t think this was the correct thing to do, because how do you explain to a small child that a dead person is buying her gifts? She became quite angry and told me that this was an acceptable practice. Now I’m wondering if I should have kept quiet about it. What’s your opinion? — Flustered Mother
Dear Flus: It is odd, to be sure, to pretend that gifts are coming from dead people. I suspect it’s an “acceptable practice” only to your mother-in-law. My guess is that she finds this custom a way of keeping her son’s memory alive for your children. A 3-year-old might start to question who this gift-giver is, so for someone that age a suitable answer might be, “He was your dad’s brother and he is in heaven.” I suspect she will be the only one of her playmates to get gifts from heaven, so she might, in fact, become the envy of her friends. — Margo, ethereally
Decisions, Decisions ….
Dear Margo: I am a 62-year-old woman who’s been dating a man my age for three years. Our relationship has many pluses and I am satisfied with almost all aspects. Earlier this year, a longtime platonic male friend invited me on a 17-day trip to Europe. Over the past 20 years, he and I have traveled together to different parts of the world. When he first invited me, I turned down the trip because I couldn’t afford it. He then offered to pay for a substantial part of my trip. I accepted his offer, but not until I told “Ernest” about the trip. Now he is very bothered by the idea. The main reason he cites is that friends and family will have the wrong impression when he tells them I am traveling with a male companion. He is also hurt about being excluded (my friend has never warmly received or accepted Ernest), and he claims I am a gold digger to accept my friend’s offer to pay for most of the trip. (My friend is considerably better off than I am, as I raised two children on my own while working for a large corporation in an hourly wage job.) Ernest is now acting as if the trip is a threat to our relationship. I would deeply regret ending our life together, but I feel his protest is not only late but unfair, and I do not intend to cancel this trip. Please tell me if you think I am a fool for jeopardizing my relationship with Ernest. — Stressed
Dear Stress: I would not call you “a fool” to let the trip possibly sink your romance, but it is not something I, myself, would do. If your longtime traveling buddy is not a gay man, there is certainly room for uneasiness. And the fact that he’s never been welcoming to Ernest is a further complication. If you are a couple, the implicit contract does not allow for a timeout such as you describe unless both partners are comfortable with it. I suspect Ernest didn’t voice his true feelings in the beginning because he was trying to be fair to you, but then he could no longer hide the way he really felt — and I don’t think it’s really about his friends and family, but about him. Try to imagine reverse positions. Would you feel comfortable with him and a lady friend traveling for two and a half weeks? Think of it as a 17-day party to which your significant other has not been invited. There are multiple factors here, among them your commitment to each other and your sense of independence. You say you do not intend to cancel the trip, so you must be prepared for Ernest to cancel the relationship. Your call. — Margo, reflectively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
