Looking for a solid, long-term relationship?
Look for someone who’s a little different from you — yin to your yang, alpha to your beta, says Keith Swain, a Denver couples therapist and author of the new book “Dynamic Duos: The Alpha/Beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships.”
It’s not so much that opposites attract, he says, as much as romantic electricity demands a degree of positive and negative charges.
And the problem isn’t one-night-stand-style chemistry, Swain says. It’s long-term-relationship maintenance.
All sorts of people can click for brief periods, but it’s more difficult to keep alive a union for years. Those that survive, he says, tend to have a healthy balance of alpha and beta.
Though his book focuses on balancing alpha and beta in gay relationships, Swain says the concept applies to straight couples, too.
Swain’s theory goes like this: Some men and women are alpha, meaning they tend to focus their careers on success and financial security, they are protective and strong and responsible, and they examine the world through the same lenses as a good courtroom judge.
Betas, on the other hand, are nurturing and artsy. They work as teachers and performers and social workers. Rather than being sober, rational CEOs, they are intuitive, emotionally adept soul-seekers.
“The rule of thumb is the more a couple has in common, the more likely they will survive,” Swain says. “Common religious beliefs. Parenting skills. How to handle money. Common beliefs on race and culture. Those are good indicators the relationship will survive. But they don’t teach you the counterbalancing factors, the yin and yang.”
When alphas try to form long-term unions, they clash — a pair of strong-willed, hard-chargers butting heads and engaging in epic fights. A pair of betas? They withdraw from each other and grow bored. The ideal relationship, of course, is an alpha and a beta.
“I do tend to agree with the whole idea of alpha-beta, as a complementary thing,” says Brian Stinar, 37, an opera singer and teacher in Denver. Stinar and Jon Troshynski, 27, a Denver salesman, have been together for more than a year. Both are familiar with Swain’s theory, and attribute the successes in their relationship, in part, on alpha-beta dynamics.
But Stinar and Troshynski believe alpha-beta is fluid, too. At different times in their relationship, they have exchanged alpha and beta roles. And in other relationships, they have seen things go awry because of alpha-beta mismatches.
“We’ve both been in bad relationships where we both were alphas or betas,” says Troshynski. “A lot of our friends that are long-term couples, they definitely have more of an alpha-beta mix.”
But Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of “When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships,” says relationship chemistry is extremely complicated. Alpha and beta combinations might have something to do with successful unions, although she isn’t convinced.
“This is a model of who comes first in the relationship,” she says. “Knowing the answer to this may make things easier for awhile, but second bananas sooner or later resent the freedom and perks that come to the top bananas. And that’s true whether you’re gay or straight. Also, there seems to be evidence in straight relationships that couples that are polarized along strictly masculine/strictly feminine lines are not as happy as couples where both partners are more androgynous.”
Two too many leaders
Androgyny doesn’t figure into the marriage of Ann Bersani, 53, and her husband Michael Durkin, 53. But they both are highly successful, career-driven leaders — Bersani as head of a medical clinic and Durkin as the former CEO of the United Way of Denver. In other words, both are alphas.
“We can’t dance together because I want to lead and he wants to lead,” she says. “I don’t know how to follow. Whenever one of our kids gets married, I’ll have to take lessons.”
The marriage, Bersani says, is successful, although sometimes a “challenge,” in part because of the alpha- alpha match. She understands Swain’s argument, and finds it helpful. Knowing that both she and her husband are alphas, she says, “helps put things in perspective.”
Denver sex therapist Lisa Thomas says researchers for years have hunted for the keys to relationship triumph. She is persuaded by “love maps,” a theory developed by therapist John Money that tries to explain how sexual attraction works, and how it figures into relationships.
“Some are attracted to people who are more Type A, someone who is dominant, who takes charge,” she says. “Most women are attracted to guys like that. But some people, they are attracted to people who are Type B.”
A whole lot of gray surrounds the concept of alpha-beta. Can a pair of alphas develop a longterm relationship? It’s possible, he says. Relationship chemistry is complex. Everybody is unique.
“Here’s my message to everybody: Be yourself,” he says. “Follow your instincts in terms of what is attractive to you and see where it leads you.”
Douglas Brown: 303-954-1395 or djbrown@denverpost.com
