HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Margaret Hoelzer squirms in the leather chair, trying to get comfortable. She takes a deep breath, ready to reveal her secret — saying she was sexually abused as a child.
The swimmer who won three medals at the Beijing Olympics is ready to share her story and work to ensure what she says happened to her doesn’t happen to other kids.
“It’s nerve-wracking,” Hoel- zer said. “Some days I feel great about it and I’m completely at peace with it, completely calm and ready to do this. Then, there are other days where I’m like, ‘Oh my God, do I really want to do this?’ ”
Hoelzer said she was 5 years old when the abuse by a playmate’s father started.
Although the timeline is a bit fuzzy because of her young age, Hoelzer and her mother believe the abuse went on for at least two years, ending when that family moved away.
“I was going to their house on a regular basis,” Hoelzer said. “I would spend the night at their house from time to time. . . . It was definitely a situation where I was taught to trust that person.”
She wasn’t even sure what was going on was wrong.
“I didn’t connect the dots other than feeling uncomfortable,” Hoelzer said. “I think on a subconscious level I knew it. But consciously, I didn’t.”
Too young to know
Even after the abuse stopped, it took years to realize what happened. Finally, in the fifth grade, Hoelzer was walking in the neighborhood with her best friend, talking about all the things in life that seem so important to 11-year-old girls. Suddenly, the awful truth poured out.
“She was the one who was like, ‘Oh my God, you were molested,’ ” Hoelzer said. ” ‘You need to tell your mom.’ She was the one who actually put a name on it for me.”
Heeding her friend’s advice, Hoelzer went to her mother.
“She was very quiet and listened,” Hoelzer recalled. “I remember from time to time, she would say things to kind of prod me along. I was very, very lucky because she 100 percent believed me. She never questioned it. Most importantly, she just let me talk. She didn’t freak out.”
Hoelzer’s mom immediately told her father. That night, the police were called. The family was directed to the National Child Advocacy Center, which lined up counseling for everyone and showed them how to pursue legal action.
The alleged molester was arrested. There was no real physical evidence because Hoelzer wasn’t raped. Also, the passage of time and a child’s still-developing memory raised doubts about whether a conviction could be reached in the harsh scrutiny of a courtroom.
The case was taken to a grand jury, but no formal charges were brought. That made it even harder to take.
Trust hard to give
“I was very angry for a long time that nothing happened, and he got off scot-free,” Hoel- zer said. “In school, if you did something wrong, you would get in trouble for it. You would go to detention or have your parents ground you. It was almost this mentality of, ‘How can you do something like that and have nothing happen?’ No community service. No fine. Nothing.
“Now that I’m older, I realize that’s not how it is. A lack of evidence is just a lack of evidence.”
She never had any more contact with that family.
She never had any desire to confront her molester.
“I haven’t seen him in almost 20 years,” Hoelzer said. “I don’t even know if I’d recognize him at this point.”
Hoelzer has never been able to lower her guard long enough to have any sort of meaningful romantic relationship. She’s never been on more than two dates with anyone.
“For me, it’s just such a trust issue,” she said. “I really have a hard time getting to know people and letting people get to know me.”
