Dear Margo: I am in a committed long-term relationship of 12 years. We are in our mid-30s, live together and have a 9-year-old child together. We are happy with our relationship just as it is. My problem is that we are under constant pressure from his family to “make it official.” Every family gathering is a barrage of questions about why we are not yet married and when we are planning to make it legal. Their arguments even suggest we are bad parents because we are unwed. It has reached the point where we both dread holidays and birthday parties because we feel attacked at every turn. How can we relay to his family that we are happy with our relationship as it is and see no need to marry at this point in time? — Happily Unmarried
Dear Hap: It is always too bad when people feel they must defend their choices to people who see things differently. In your situation, as is often the case, those with “suggestions” really have no place in the discussion. The most I will give them is that they are probably well-meaning. So you do not continue to feel battered and defensive, I would suggest you write a joint letter to your beloved’s family. (I am a big fan of letters.) The fact that they will be reading it, not hearing it, will lend weight to your message. I suggest you tell them, in whatever words feel comfortable, that you both believe in the old bromide “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” and that you are sublimely happy with things as they are. You might also say that family gatherings are becoming stressful for you because your domestic arrangements are always a topic of conversation, so if they desire your continued presence, they will consider the subject no longer open to discussion. — Margo, individually
Who, Exactly, Is the Prince?
Dear Margo: I’m 28 and have been dating a guy for six months. He is absolutely crazy about me and spoils me rotten. I love him, but the problem is that he isn’t “tall, dark and handsome” — that silly fantasy of every woman. I wish he were more attractive and find myself trying to balance his “vice” (not handsome enough) with his virtues. I also find myself looking at attractive guys and wishing I were with them. He has noticed and kids me gently about it. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s better to be with a good man who treats you right than with a good-looking one who treats you like rubbish. Am I right, or am I just consoling myself? — Bethesda
Dear Beth: Actually, “tall, dark and handsome” is the fantasy of teenage girls, not grown women — or at least not the ones who are wrapped real tight. Looks can be transient. Who of us doesn’t know the Adonis from high school who, 15 years on, is someone you wouldn’t look at twice? Take it from your old auntie, the girls who go for the gorgeous guys are oftentimes disappointed. Sometimes these movie-star-handsome faces do not age well, or there is no one home in the first place. Some striking people never develop important qualities because their looks have always opened the doors. I guarantee that a guy who is racing you to the mirror will not wear as well as someone who is crazy about you and spoils you rotten. This is not to say that a handsome man is to be dismissed out of hand, but rather that a romantic partner should be judged on character. It’s amazing how a plain-looking guy whom you grow to love looks positively adorable and becomes very good-looking to you. — Margo, meaningfully
