They’re a seasonal affront to the eyes and, in some cases, the ears: Gaudy holiday sweaters designed to compete with the Christmas tree for the crowd’s attention.
Hipsters have adopted ugly Christmas sweaters for their own, throwing Ugly Christmas Sweater parties and holding contests for the most flagrant abusers of sequins, bugle beads, metallic trim, winsome appliques, LED lights, jingle bells and computer-chip embellishments that play tinny seasonal tunes.
Want to join in the fun? There’s a collection of novel holiday sweaters at Flossy McGrew’s, 1824 S. Broadway in Denver, and most thrift and consignment stores have their (non-ironic) holiday sweaters on display. Look in the Large and Extra- Large racks for the most spectacular specimens.
Here are a few we found:
Kitschy-koo
The background: Bling Bling Bling Went My Heart
Embellishments: Candy cane (1), Christmas tree with ribbon (1), Noël (1), ornate snowflake (1), stuffed stocking (1), wreath (1)
Extras: Gold-beaded collar, cuffs and hem, plus cheery jeweled stars
Bonus points: Decorations entirely rendered in beads
Modified Christmas breastplate
The background: Crimson
Embellishments: Gigantic faux necklace of silver- and-gold metallic cloth cut in medievalish shapes, with jewels inlaid in a black collar with gold trim
Extras: Snakeskin pattern on silver metallic cloth amps up refracted light
Bonus points: Decoration is ambivalent enough to transition to New Year’s Eve parties — and possibly Valentine’s Day
O Come Let Us Adorn Him
The background: Peacock blue
Embellishments: Reverently rendered Nativity scene, including visiting Magi, shepherds and angels.
Extras: Kissing lambs, floating flowers, gratuitous sequins
An Ornamental Feeling
The background: Bright blue
Embellishments: Ornaments and snowflakes, including a swag of appliqued ornaments drawing attention directly to the hipline
Extras: Fake-fur collar with pompom zipper-pulls, sequins, beads, gold trim
Vest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
The background: Red as W.C. Fields’ nose
Embellishments: Caroling elves, Santas, reindeer, all clutching tiny, individually decorated songbooks
Extras: Appliques on the back and front, sequins, tipsy musical staffs, holly applique on trim
Christmas checkerboard
Background: White
Embellishments: Gold knitted squares alternating with white squares featuring ornaments and holly in a coordinating gold
Extras: None, really, but who needs bugle beads when a garment offers the chance to look like a gilded NASCAR flag?
Jingle All the Way
Background: Holly-berry red
Embellishments: Stitched-on necklace of jingle bells on colorful, satiny ribbons
Extras: Wearer can be heard approaching long before being seen
Abominable sweaters online
Naturally, cyberspace is full of tips on throwing (or attending) an Ugly Christmas Sweater party, and a site where you can design a virtual sweater.
A Merry Little Christmas Sweater
weloveholidaysweaters.wehatesheep.com
This site, created by the ad agency Sullivan, Higdon and Sink, lets visitors customize a holiday pullover, cardigan or vest. Pick a color (black, red, green, blue) and click on the image to Start Knitting an assortment of Santas, trees, presents, elves, reindeer, ornaments, lights and seasonal greetings. E-mail the sweater to a friend or store it in the crowded gallery of other reprehensible efforts.
Jinglebell Shop
ebay.com
Put “Christmas sweater” in the search box, and 7,607 results pop up. Pressed for time? Enter “ugly Christmas sweater” in the search box, and while only 1,488 show up, they’re non-negotiably awful, and many credibly claim to be contest winners.
Winter Sweaterland
countryewe.com
Mother lode of over-the-top holiday sweaters. Drawback: The prices aren’t cheap — this is not an ironic site — but the designs are stunning. Have a look at “Berek Gold and Silver Trees Pullover Sweater — RED ($98.99)” and try not to imagine it on one of the Shotgun Willie’s dancers. Good background research before heading to the thrift stores where many of these invariably end up in pristine condition.
