Dear Amy: My husband was in a work-related accident, resulting in severe brain damage. The doctors say he will never be the same. Before the accident, my children talked to us about everything; we were a very close family.
My two children and I have had a very difficult time dealing with this tragedy. My youngest child is 7, and he has been doing a good job in communicating his problems with me. He has had a difficult time, but I believe he understands the gravity of the situation, and he is doing the best he can.
My oldest is 17, a senior in high school, and she has been very distant from me.
I was worried at first but thought she’d come around. She has not talked to me about this. I have approached her time and time again, but she will not talk to me.
She spends more and more time at her friend’s house, and never makes curfew.
When I question her, she shrugs and goes to her room. Recently, while cleaning her room, I found drug paraphernalia stashed in a drawer. I do not know what to do. This is unacceptable, but she will not open up to me.
I do not know how to approach the subject with her. I have spoken to her so little since the accident that I no longer know how to connect with my only daughter. How do I talk to her about this? Should I forbid her from seeing her friends? Should I forbid her from leaving the house? — Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Your family is in crisis, and you should pursue professional help for the family right away. The hospital that treated your husband might offer family-oriented grief counseling — you should contact the social worker there for ideas.
Your daughter is grieving and, if her father has changed a great deal, she might be afraid of being around him. She is processing her feelings the only way she knows how, and you should show her that there are other ways to face this.
Face her situation head-on, with a serious, private, compassionate and calm conversation. Ask her questions, and even if she doesn’t answer, she’ll hear you.
She needs to face the natural consequences of some of her poor choices so, yes; she should be at home with her family until she can demonstrate that she respects a reasonable curfew.
The Brain Injury Association offers information and resources for families and caregivers at biausa .
Dear Amy: I was until recently in a long-term, long-distance relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. I had planned to go to his sister’s wedding and had made plans (accommodations, train tickets, etc.) long ago. I was invited individually — not as “and guest.” A couple of weeks ago, my guy couldn’t handle the distance and broke off our relationship.
I figured my ex would tell his family about what happened, and I assumed that I wouldn’t be going to the wedding, so I sent the couple a wedding present with my regrets for not coming, but it won’t arrive for another week.
A recent communication from his mother has made me question whether that’s enough.
I do not want to talk to him, and don’t think it’s my place to tell them I’m not coming. What should I do? — Uncomfortable
Dear Uncomfortable: Your first priority should be to notify the marrying couple that you won’t be at the wedding. As uncomfortable as this might be for you to do, they’ll appreciate the opportunity to tell you they’ll miss you. They’ll also appreciate getting an accurate count to the caterer.
Ideally, your ex should tell his family you’ve broken up, but if he doesn’t and you find yourself communicating with his mother, you should tell her your relationship has ended.
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