‘Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my hyper daughter who wants a cellphone. Why? Because I told everybody to keep it quiet while I offered some suggestions for holiday gifts for those on the Denver sports scene.
Carmelo Anthony: A playoff appearance longer than one ‘n’ done.
Todd Helton: No pain, all gain.
Tom Nalen: A Mr. Microphone so he can practice his lengthy retirement speech.
Jay Cutler: Earplugs so he doesn’t have to hear it from Philip Rivers on Sunday night.
Dan O’Dowd: A lump of Cole (Hamels).
Joe Sakic: A snow shovel.
Broncos defensive players near and far: A turnover to call their own.
Brandon Marshall: A Big Mac combination without the wrapper.
Matt Holliday: Oh, that’s right. He’s gone because he was a distraction in the clubhouse. Uh-huh.
Kenyon Martin: A year’s worth of free dues to the Masons’ union.
Mike Shanahan: A pass rusher who, like, actually rushes the passer.
Bob Slowik: A reprieve.
Steve Fairchild: A raise and an extension.
John Elway: What to get the man who has everything? By the way, congrats on your engagement, bubba.
Broncos tailbacks: Beats me. Never met any of them.
The Monfort Boys: A happy new year and a healthy bottom line.
Jeff Francis: A bottle of Scope to wash away the taste of last season.
Travis Henry: Harvey Steinberg on his A game.
Ian Laperriere: Two more inches and 20 more pounds for those special moments after the gloves go down. Oh, and a note of thanks from the wretches for being the best quote in town.
Dan Hawkins: Ten wins, just like he said. And he thought swimming with the Great Whites was tough duty.
Troy Tulowitzki: Three mph off those high fastballs.
Larry Coyer: My bad. He has been gone since that lousy defense of his allowed 305 points in 2006.
Nene: A backup who can do more than change light bulbs on a 9-foot ceiling.
Mike Hampton: Actually, he’s gone, too, but at least his kids enjoyed our schools.
Clint Hurdle: A fast start in April.
George Karl: A strong finish in April.
Champ Bailey: A Super Bowl before it’s too late.
Paul Stastny: All he wants for Christmas are his two front teeth.
Jim Armstrong: 303-954-1269 or jmarmstrong@denverpost.com
