Dear Amy: My husband swears at me. He has always done this, but lately I think it has gotten worse and it is really getting to me.
Whenever we disagree or argue, he uses disgusting language, directed at me.
Why can’t he just speak to me without using vulgar language? He says the “F” word to me constantly, and it is so insulting.
What can I say to him so that he will understand how this feels? I feel it is degrading.
Before you say that I should tell him how I feel, I do tell him, in the heat of it, and it doesn’t do a darn thing to change him.
I can bring it up when he has cooled down, but I’m afraid it will just escalate. His swearing degrades me and scares me so much. What can I say? —Sick of Swearing
Dear Sick: Of course having someone swear at you is degrading. This is verbal abuse, and it chips away at your confidence and your sense of self-worth.
Some people just can’t seem to say a sentence without using vulgar language, and if everyone in their world is used to it and sees it as just the way they talk, then that’s one thing. Your husband, however, swears at you in anger and it frightens you.
You don’t mention it, but if there are children in the home, you must think about how this is affecting them. Your husband seems to have an explosive temper, and if things at home are getting worse, you should seek outside help immediately.
Your husband must understand how this affects you; it would help if he sees his behavior through someone else’s eyes.
A book you might find helpful is “Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner,” by Phillip McGraw. “Dr. Phil” often says that being subjected to verbal abuse “changes who you are.” I’ve never heard a better description.
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