We interrupt this otherwise perfect dinner party with an important message from . . . your drain.
It isn’t feeling well. Vrrblecht! And there it is, the remains of your party’s dinner all over the kitchen floor.
Drains are like children that way. They pick the worst times to rebel. They can be perfectly fine, then, when you really need them to behave, say, when company is over, they act possessed.
As proof, I offer one recent night. My friend Susan was hosting our book club. As chaos would have it, that same evening her brother flew in with his family for a visit. Counting her own family, that made 14 people for dinner. The kitchen was in overdrive.
After the meal, everyone huddled around the kitchen island as if it were a hot craps table. I started washing dishes (which, you’ll see, triggered the trouble). As I rinsed and scraped plates, I didn’t turn on the garbage disposal because I didn’t want to disrupt the conversation, or, more important, miss any. I didn’t know about Susan’s disposal, but when mine runs, it sounds like a Volkswagen going through a metal fan.
Next thing, warm water and slimy food particles were running through my sandaled toes.
I screamed. The party grew quiet. Everyone stared at the floor, where bits of regurgitated spinach and salmon swirled on a soapy sea. Susan’s husband opened the cabinet under the sink and found more flooding, only worse.
“Why does plumbing always break when there’s a party?” I asked.
“Or when you’re making Thanksgiving dinner,” someone added.
“Or throwing a baby shower,” chimed another.
It’s a universal problem.
Whatever buzz the party had going went, well, down the drain. A few of us started mopping. The others (and who can blame them?) murmured their goodbyes, claiming sudden urgent business that needed tending — at 11 at night.
The kids, who were hanging out in the basement, came up to ask why water was coming through the ceiling. After we stemmed the tide, I washed my hands, but they smelled like day-old mackerel into the next day, when I realized it would be a long time before I would eat spinach and salmon together again.
The next day, The Drain Guy, Mike Gipson of Parker, fixed the problem. When Susan called to share the news, I told her I wanted a word with him.
“So why do drains always back up at parties?” I asked Gipson, who has been clearing drains (six to seven a day) for 17 years.
“Either because the hosts are hurrying to prepare a lot of food or because after the meal a friend helps with dishes.”
“You mean it was my fault?”
“Guests are often in such a hurry to get back to the party, they overfill the disposal.”
“But turning it on is so rude.”
“All the food in your friend’s disposal caused the water to back up in the line beneath the sink and overflow the standpipe.”
“I can’t believe it’s my fault.”
“Next time run the disposal the whole time.”
“And miss out on all that conversation?”
“Or keep me in business.”
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo). Contact her through .
When your sink is sunk
Here’s what else The Drain Guy, Mike Gipson, shared about pampering your plumbing.
Drains and disposals go hand in hand. What happens to one affects the other. Baby both.
Let it flow. Before, during and after putting food in the disposal, run water and the disposal. Keep both running at least 30 seconds after food has cleared.
Keep it hot. Many people use cold water when running the disposal; they reason that cold water helps grease congeal. But hot water is better because grease passes more easily as a liquid. “The first thing any plumbing professional does once a drain is unplugged is run scalding water down it,” he says.
What not to grind. To prevent jams, don’t put peels, rinds, grease, coffee grounds, seeds (pumpkin or cantaloupe), or stringy vegetables (celery, asparagus, artichokes) down the chute.
A cup of prevention. To clean your drain, once a month pour a cup of white vinegar down the nondisposal side of your sink. Run the water a few seconds, then let the drain sit overnight. The next morning, boil a big pot of water and pour it down the drain.
If your drain clogs, plunging it will help if the blockage isn’t too far down the line. If you’re handy, remove and clear the trap. (That’s the piece of pipe that makes a U-turn under the sink.) Do this over a bucket. Still clogged? Call an expert.
Be careful with chemicals. If you pour a drain-clearing chemical down the sink, do not mix chemicals or types of drain cleaners. Dangerous reactions could occur. Also tell your drain expert what’s in there so he can avoid chemical burns.
Know your pros. “When the water won’t drain, call a drain guy. When water won’t come out of the faucet, call a plumber,” says Gipson, who doesn’t install faucets, replace water heaters or install disposals. Those are plumber jobs.
Don’t wait to call. Plumbers and drain experts used to charge extra for Sundays, evenings and holidays. (As if plumbing problems ever happen weekdays from 9 to 5.) These days, most don’t charge extra for off hours.
