Dear Amy: I’ve never been close to my grandmother. When I was young, we would visit out of obligation, but she and my grandfather never liked children much, so the trips were unpleasant. As I grew up, I stopped pretending to enjoy their company and limited my visits to family functions. Now that I’m an adult and have two small children of my own, my grandmother wants to visit with them. Amy, I have no relationship with my grandmother and absolutely no desire to spend any time with her. She made little effort to be a part of my life.
My kids have no idea who she is. Should I be made to feel guilty because I don’t feel the need to take my children to see her? — Not Feeling Guilty in L.A.
Dear Not guilty: There are times in life when guilt hovers over your head like the “Good-guilt Blimp.” Your elderly grandmother’s desire to see her great-grandchildren is one of those times. Load the kids in the car.
Your visit with your grandmother might go exactly as expected.
But it’s also possible that your grandmother has changed, and spending an afternoon with her might yield unexpected benefits. She might give you insight into your own family, or connect with your children in a way she wasn’t able to connect with you as a child.
Dear Amy: Replying to “Anxious Mom,” whose son was telling obnoxious jokes, my wife always tried to put corrections to our kids in a positive way: “We don’t talk that way in our family.” It cuts off the avenue every kid takes: “But Bobby’s mom doesn’t care!” — Jim in Madison
Dear Jim: I love this. It creates and perpetuates your family’s own identity and standards.
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