The New York Times reports that Sammy Sosa tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug in 2003. Shocking, I say, simply shocking. So what’s up next in the life of Sammy? Here are five predictions:
5. Sammy emerges from his cave in Afghanistan and is shocked to discover that Mark McGwire is his next-door neighbor.
4. Sammy admits that those kisses he used to blow into the camera were meant for Victor Conte.
3. Sammy returns to Congress and is asked if he knows the meaning of perjury. His response: “Heck, yeah, I know the meaning of perjury. I had perjury on my left knee in ’99.”
2. Chicago mayor Richard Daley says that as far as he’s concerned, Sammy is dead. Whereupon Sammy is allowed to vote twice in the next mayoral election.
1. Somewhere, Rick Reilly is saying, “I told you so.”
