Walt Disney Co. will pay $4 billion for Marvel Entertainment Inc., or roughly $800,000 apiece for Marvel’s 5,000 comic book characters.
Disney CEO Robert Iger called Marvel “a treasure trove of characters and stories that fit beautifully with Disney” in an interview on Fox Business Network on Monday morning.
Clearly, he has not completed his due diligence.
Scores of Marvel’s characters are already dead, killed off to resolve an uber-violent plot.
Most others, meanwhile, are mutants, freaks, weirdoes, tools of Satan, aliens or villainous narcissists intent on vaporizing our entire planet.
These characters simply can not be allowed to roam free in a Disney theme park.
I realize Disney has a respectable track record for acquisitions, but this time, I don’t think Iger has thought about the kind of characters with whom he’s so freely associating.
“There are many that I never heard of,” he conceded on Fox Business.
Sure, he knows all about the ever-so-marketable Spiderman, Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, X-Men and Fantastic Four. But what about Squidboy, Squirrel Girl or Big Bertha?
Never heard of Big Bertha? She’s a bizarre, brawling she-beast who turned her back on Paris, London and Milan to work as a supermodel in Milwaukee.
After Disney’s announcement on Monday, I trolled through lists of Marvel’s thousands of lesser-known characters. And I simply could not believe what Disney, owner of “the happiest place on Earth,” would get for roughly $800,000 a pop, assuming you average it out.
Here are but a few examples from Marvel’s rich roster of cartoon sociopaths:
Vivisector, a.k.a., Myles Alfred, an openly gay intellectual mutant. His powers first emerged when he was bullied by college colleagues, leaving them with multiple slash wounds.
Jack-in-The-Box, a telepathic Australian Aboriginal whose body petrifies and breaks apart when he overuses his powers. He once tried to reattach his feet with duct tape, but is now reduced to a torso and resides in a box. And no, he does not sell hamburgers.
Howard the Duck, who looks so much like Donald that Disney once threatened to sue for copyright infringement. Donald, however, has never had to battle the bovine vampire, Bessie the Hellcow, or even Garko the Man-Frog. They are going to be one big happy family now.
Nightmare, a demon who reigns over the dream dimension where humans are tormented in their sleep. He would cease to exist if humans stopped dreaming, as would a lot of really bad things on Wall Street.
The Blob, a.k.a. Frederick J. Dukes, a morbidly obese circus freak from Lubbock, Texas, who is so massive he has his own gravitational pull. Maybe Disney can sell him to NBC for “The Biggest Loser.”
Molecule Man, a.k.a. Owen Reece, a frail geek from Brooklyn who is embittered about his mother’s death. After accidentally exposing himself to radiation at Acme Atomics Corp., he now has the power to rearrange molecules. But he is so overwhelmed with doubt and self-loathing that he unconsciously sabotages his powers to destroy the world.
Redneck, who came from a large family in Arkansas, and once commanded the power to generate intense amounts of heat with his hands. Ordinarilly, rednecks do this using their opinions.
Typhoid Mary, whose name is the same as the notorious early-20th century cook who infected dozens of people with typhoid. Marvel’s Typhoid Mary, however, is an assassin who is afflicted by mental illness after suffering abuse as a child. She’s incredibly attractive once her mask is removed, but she hates all men, and will probably hate Iger, too.
Black Widow, a.k.a. Claire Voyant, a human tool of Satan who can kill with the touch of her finger. She uses her powers to drag corrupt arms manufacturers and other evil doers to Hell. Probably because the Securities and Exchange Commission and other federal regulators do not.
Manslaughter, a psychopathic assassin who can manipulate his victims’ autonomic nervous systems so they can not see him devising their exotic deaths. Perhaps some Republicans can use him on a “death panel” in their quest to block health-care reform.
Ransack the Reject, a “Deviant,” who does not suffer the usual deformity of his race. He must live as an outcast and may soon share the dog house with Goofy.
Multiple Man, a.k.a. Jamie Madrox, who has the ability to instantly duplicate himself. At birth, a doctor’s slap caused him to split into two identical babies. His parents decided it would be best to raise him in Kansas. But they were soon killed by a tornado, so Multiple Man ran the whole farm with his dupes. Sort of like the way Democrats are running Washington.
Zzzax, a humanoid composed of electricity from a sabotaged nuclear power plant in New York City. Maybe Disney can more thoroughly compete with General Electric.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead, a mopey Goth chic who can see forthcoming disasters in her dreams. Maybe Iger should get to know her first, although he is not likely to mention her if he does.
“As with Disney, I try not to show favorites with our characters,” Iger said. “Because they tend to get a little upset if I don’t mention them.”
Al Lewis: 212-416-2617
or al.lewis@dowjones.com.
Read Al’s blog at .
