I have no retirement savings left, or anything to contribute this year…again. So I’ve come up with a new plan. I have decided that I am going to be a burden on my children.
I’m counting on at least one of my two boys not being in jail or rehab, being gainfully employed and/or having a girlfriend or wife that is.
I am small and probably won’t eat much. I understand that living under their roof I’ll have to follow their rules. Why, I’ll be no trouble at all.
Just a few little quirks
When I pass the refrigerator, I will take out the milk and leave it on the counter. When queried I will adamantly insist it wasn’t me.
I will take the bread out of the bag and sprinkle crumbs all over the counter and table and again claim to have no knowledge of how they got there. I will be insulted just to be asked.
I will not be hungry at mealtimes, preferring to cook and eat in between when others do. I will never eat what they eat. I will always be hungry at bedtime.
I will not brush my teeth but insist I did. I will offer to blow my breath in their face to prove it.
My mantras: “It’s not my fault! It was an accident! It wasn’t me!”
I will bring grape Popsicles into the back seat of the car and then leave the unfinished portion on the seat. I will pretend we don’t speak the same language when asked to clean it up.
I will make siren noises in the back of the car.
I will lose at least one item a day.
I will kick my shoes off one at a time, each in a separate room. I will never know where my shoes are. I will act like they are insane for thinking I should know where my shoes are.
I will eat very sticky snacks while using their computer. I will never use the computer they gave me, claiming it is inferior.
I will leave all wet towels on the floor or the wood furniture.
I will only answer them after they call my name three times. If they ask me to do something I will say, “In a sec,” and then go back to what I was doing.
I will insist urgently on speaking to them any time they pick up the phone.
I will assume the floor is the proper place to leave most things I touch or use.
And yes, of course, every once in a while, as needed, I will be sweet and funny and endearing and helpful; just so they keep me.
Kate Morrison is a full time mother, Realtor, writer, laundress, personal maid, chef and chauffeur. She lives in Denver. You can reach her at laughwithkate@gmail.com. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.
