Dear Margo: Both my daughter and her boyfriend of four years are 23. My daughter works as a project manager for a health organization, and her boyfriend is a full-time Ph.D. student at a first-rate college in the Boston area. In August, they moved in together and became engaged in early October. The problem is that although he proposed to my daughter, he did so without speaking to my husband or me about his intentions. Now my daughter wants to break off the “engagement” since he still has not come forward to formally ask my husband. It seems to all of us that this young man is lacking integrity or is having “cold feet.” He has moved half of his belongings out of the apartment to his family home and left the other half in her apartment. And he hasn’t called to schedule a meeting with my husband. Should my daughter break up with this young man and move forward with her life? — Still Waiting in Boston
Dear Still: Might your name be Edith Wharton? I have no wish to offend you, but this business of formally asking for your daughter’s hand went out with whalebone corsets. You and your husband seem to have brainwashed your daughter into thinking the young man has to formally “ask for her hand” in order for them to go forward with their plans to be married. You also may have put a monkey wrench into their future together. I can tell you his intentions: When he asked your daughter to marry him, his intentions were to get married and build a life together. If I were you, I would encourage your daughter to consider herself engaged and try to undo the stiff and formal (and I believe mistaken) demand that her beau come round to ask permission. (I am assuming that you already know him, after four years, and that he’s not on the 10 Most Wanted list.) Single people these days make their own decision to be married, and then they tell everyone. — Margo, contemporarily
When Friends Let You Down (at Crate & Barrel)
Dear Margo: Am I justified in being hurt or just throwing myself a pity party? I am 53 years old and never married before now. I had many dates over the years and a few serious relationships. Three years ago, I met a sweet and gentle man who loves me just for being me. We were married in April at a small lakeside ceremony with just him, the minister and me. We wanted it small and simple since we were older and preferred to concentrate on the marriage rather than the wedding.
With that said, only a few friends have so much as sent a card. Some co-workers and a couple of dear friends gave us thoughtful gifts. But the people I consider my closest friends have done nothing. It is now December. Please don’t deem me greedy, as it’s not the gifts that are at issue. I have thrown bridal showers and baby showers and have been a very thoughtful friend in good times and bad. I am simply hurt. I waited 53 difficult years for this sweetest of men, and I feel slighted. — Heartbroken Lizzie
Dear Heart: OK, you were waiting for him. Could it be that your friends were waiting for a wedding announcement? I agree that close friends, announcement or no, should mark your happiness with a gift or a dinner out, but some people, unless goosed by something written, do not think of sending something. I do not mean to make excuses for those people closest to you who haven’t acknowledged your marriage. I am just explaining what I think may have happened. Your feelings are understandable and legitimate, and it’s too bad more people aren’t more thoughtful. — Margo, realistically
