Dear Margo: My grandmother has some deep-seated psychological issues when it comes to her children. Aunt No. 1 she is practically obsessed with. We’re constantly hearing about her and her kids. With the other one, Aunt No. 2, it’s basically complaints and really rude behavior toward her. My mother is somewhere in the middle in terms of how much my grandmother likes each of her children.
Every year, my family makes a very long trip to visit her. When we get there, all we hear from my grandmother is how much she wishes Aunt No. 1 would come. Clearly, the reason she isn’t coming is because we’re there. Also, there are some distinct differences in the way she treats Aunt No. 1’s children and how she treats us. The older grandchildren are constantly bombarded with accusations of not loving Aunt No. 1 and her children. Frankly, it’s a really stressful situation, and everyone is always walking on eggshells when the whole family is together. And … Aunt No. 1’s kids are not very likable children. I know they’re my cousins, but I cannot deal with them. To give you a glimpse of the situation: My grandmother gets angry with me and my other two siblings because we stick up for our younger brother when Aunt No. 1’s kids are harassing him. It is close to psychological torment whenever we go on this so-called “vacation.” I’m also sick of my mother never saying anything. I think they all need to go to a therapist. What can we do to not let my grandmother’s insensitive behavior get to us? — So-Over-It Granddaughter
Dear So: What can you do? Stay home and invite your mother to do the same. Granny has a screw loose and no common sense at all. I am not being flip with this short answer. Everything you need to know is in my first three sentences. — Margo, therapeutically
Surprise!
Dear Margo: I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year, and by all accounts, I would say he’s someone I could be with for the long haul. Neither of us is keen on having children. I have always worried that children would interfere with my career and tie me down too much. I’m building a career as a professional musician and working at becoming a part-time university instructor on the music faculty. Having said this, I have no guarantee I will always feel this way. I know it’s common to change your mind about such things.
My boyfriend announced he is going to get a vasectomy. This was decided without ever asking how I felt about it. I think he assumes that because I don’t want to have kids right now, this is something he should do. The thing is: How can I be sure? How can anyone be sure that they will always feel the way they currently do? I would never want to do anything so drastic because you never know what the future will bring. He is having a hard time understanding where I’m coming from and doesn’t seem to understand why I at least should have been consulted about this. At the moment, I just don’t know what to think. I don’t know why it bothers me so. — Music-Minded in the UK
Dear Mus: I suspect his unilateral decision bothers you because it was, well, unilateral. From his point of view, however, it likely was meant as a supportive gesture. As for people being certain they will always feel the same way, forget about that one; time and circumstance can be great game-changers. And vasectomies are often reversible — which may be the bottom-line answer to your problem. — Margo, alternatively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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