All these years after the birth of the feminist movement, we still debate what to call women. Girls, ladies, ma’am, miss… Then there are the not so flattering phrases that sometimes are flung around like candy on Halloween – the ones that begin with “b” and “c.” Some co-hosts of ABC’s popular television show “The View,” for instance often refer to their esteemed colleagues as “bitches.” When feeling especially playful, in a move dripping with sardonicism, they deliver “skinny bitches” with a smile, often to the laughter and enjoyment of their studio audience.
It’s important to realize however, that often what one finds playful or harmless is seen as highly disrespectful from another. Case in point, my best high school girlfriends often kidded in the same manner as the ladies of The View — ten years before the show became a reality from the glimmer in Barbara Walters’ eyes. Yet, just a few years ago when goofing off with two friends, I playfully referred to a certain group of women as “skinny bitches.” Our ultra-thin friend laughed; while the other the other chided me for insensitivity and assumed I disliked the group in question. I was shocked at my friend’s visceral reaction, and realized then that some things may seem universal – but it doesn’t necessarily make them so (e.g.: What’s playful to one person may feel highly disrespectful to another).
Earlier this week, Denver career woman Nichole Cruz turned to her friends for input to a similar dilemma: “So a co-worker addressed myself and another co-worker in an email ‘hello girls.’ Is it me or is that disrespectful and demands correction,” she asked.
The simple inquiry raised a firestorm of responses ranging from “I always send emails like that…what’s wrong with it?” to “Yup! I think you were just disrespected! Yuck!” But the responses in the middle are what I found most interesting. One friend, who found the dilemma particularly perplexing, hypothetically asked, “What was he/she supposed to say?” and after a bit of back and forth, offered “It all depends what you are prepared to tolerate, but on the scale of things…this is pretty minor!” Ending with “Mountains [vs.] molehills, is all I’m saying.”
In the end, the discussion — comprised of all women, mind you – was about 40/60, with the lesser percentage not seeing why the issue even demanded recognition and the majority either saying they didn’t appreciate being called a “girl,” or citing situations where using such a term would be improper or disrespectful.
Cruz however, handled the situation professionally – after all, the incident did arise at work — and rather than let the comment chasten her or fester into passive aggressive ugliness, she addressed the issue head-on:
Here’s what I think: In a corporate environment with men being those in positions of authority and power, addressing a WOMAN as a “girl” is demeaning whether purposeful or not. He wouldn’t address the VP as “dude” or “hey man” in a professional capacity. If you are relying on my professional expertise, then address me appropriately and give me my due respect. The way I handled it was by returning the email stating I am a professional just as he is and I would appreciate being addressed accordingly moving forward. After that was taken care of, I handled my business and assisted him with his issue. He apologized, said he meant no disrespect and said he would never address me inappropriately again. It’s important to set boundaries and demand your respect as a professional and woman in corporate America. It may be small but respect is respect!
I applaud Cruz, and her colleague – as both handled the situation well. As a man, he most likely is more sensitive to “being sensitive” to issues such as these. There are times however when others will continue to argue and press to know “exactly why” one finds such comments disrespectful. As experienced in this exchange, those arguments often come from women. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not to come to understanding, but to press the issue and show exactly why one should NOT feel as they do.
But as Cruz points out, respect is respect. And in these times with people of varying cultures, religions, personal beliefs and upbringing, do we really need to question another’s wishes? If someone feels disrespected, and asks for a reasonable solution – for example, to refrain from being called “girl,” or “sweetie,” or “honey,” or myriad other innocuous names that may not feel innocuous to the listener – then show a bit of courtesy, and respect. Let the recipient of the comment know no harm was meant and comply with the request, then move on and feel free to call best girlfriends “girl”… but only if you know they don’t mind.
Doni Luckutt is a lifestyle expert who believes by enhancing interpersonal connection, we can stop simply living, and become Simply Alive! If you have a suggestion on what brings you to life, connect with her on Twitter @SimplyAlive, via email Doni@SimplyAliveWorld.com or on her blog: www.SimplyAliveWorld.com/Blog.
