Parenting is a tough job, and doing it solo makes it all that more difficult.
It might be getting a buzz among Hollywood types both on-screen and off, but it’s a role few are prepared for in real life, according to Bill McLeod.
The 52-year-old single dad, author and motivational speaker admits to experiencing a steep learning curve in raising his son and daughter, now teenagers. He has written a book, “Kickin’ Butt as a Single Parent” ($19.99, Another 8 Hours Publishing), to teach parents how to communicate with their children, find peace with an ex-spouse, balance their work and home lives, and even start dating again if they are ready to take that leap.
He’s got plenty of company as a single parent as about 26 percent of children in the United States are being raised in single-parent homes, according to the study “Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support,” released by the U.S. Census Bureau in November 2009.” Some 13.7 million single parents are responsible for raising 21.8 million children — nearly 30 percent of all youths under the age of 21 in the country. There are 268,059 single parent households in Colorado.
Today’s single parents aren’t just those who are divorced or widowed. More, especially women, are choosing to be a parent without getting married just so they can have children.
And contrary to the stereotype that single parents are often poor, uneducated and getting government assistance, only 27 percent of custodial single mothers and 13 percent of single dads and their children live in poverty, according to census data.
McLeod’s struggles with raising his children, Jack, 16, and Michaela, 14, after his wife’s alcoholism, their divorce in 2005 and her death in 2007 is a stabilizing road map of hope and inspiration for single parents, who are often isolated. When his mother-in-law died five months later, McLeod was truly left raising his children on his own. Daily challenges he has faced range from the funny (buying a bra for his daughter) to the distressing (coping with guilt from the divorce).
“I’m not a doctor, a therapist or a counselor,” says the radio show host and founder of , a website that sparked the creation of his book. “My single-dad degree came from hard knocks. My children don’t call me their single dad, Bill. They say I’m their dad.”
That’s an important distinction, and is one of many steps all parents — but especially those unwed, divorced or widowed — must embrace so their children can thrive.
McLeod doesn’t advocate being a single parent because he believes that everyone should find love again and complete the circle.
“But until that happens again, I want my book to inspire, transform and lead single parents into understanding that there are ways to be the best parent they can possibly be so their children are the beneficiaries.”
McLeod’s book combines strategic planning for finances and downsizing with compassion and understanding, reminding parents to take care of themselves through exercise and a healthy diet.
When she got the book, Julie Hammerstein, 42, would put her son Max, 7, to bed, and retreat to her bedroom to read a chapter each night.
Nobody to confer with
“His book is more encompassing of a single parent as a whole, including all the emotional things you face,” says nutritionist Hammerstein, who runs MaxLife Therapies, a family wellness center named after her son Max.
The biggest challenge she has faced over the years as a single parent, she said, is not having a sounding board. When you co-parent, there is someone to talk over the big issues with, like where the kids should go to school or how to manage extracurricular activities.
But it’s the day-to-day difficulties that can overwhelm, like disciplining or coaching Max through tough problems at school, Hammerstein says.
Keeping a positive outlook can be tough, but McLeod offers tips to help, like listening to uplifting music or putting your thoughts on paper. That’s a must-have for a single parent, says Nancy Vogl, co-author of “Chicken Soup for the Single Parent’s Soul.” After three house sales fell through, her babysitter moved out and her ex-husband was six months behind in child support, Vogl found herself bleak and staring down the eye of a bottle of wine. Instead, she poured out her wine glass and wrote down everything she could think of that made her feel loved, appreciated and happy.
“It shifted my thoughts and helped me focus on what was possible instead of what was wrong,” says Vogl. “I would never be who I am right now, never met or worked with all the famous people I know, never have been led in the direction I’m in now, if I hadn’t gone through being a single parent.”
Sheba R. Wheeler: 303-954-1283 or swheeler@denverpost.com
Six things you can do for yourself, for your kids
Bill McLeod shares 99 single parenting tips and tricks in his book, but here are six that he thinks are particularly useful.
1. Let go of the guilt that can hold you back from happiness and success. Try writing what you think is causing the guilt (a different sheet of paper for each factor), and release it.
2. Create a personal song list. Burn a CD or create a playlist of 15 songs that remind you of happier, less stressful times. Listen to it within 72 hours and whenever you need a lift.
3. Be honorable to your ex. Stop being adversaries, and start acting as allies before your children. Say one nice thing about your ex in front of your kids today, and never disparage him or her.
4. Create a secret handshake with your kids, one special shake per child. It creates a bond that helps to form a unique relationship between parent and child.
5. Make a memory box. After a divorce or a parent’s death, have a child fill a box with mementos that represent special time he or she spent with that parent. Kids may not want to talk about what has occurred but can spend “time” with that parent during private moments.
6. Work on a service project with your kids: Feed the homeless, spend two hours reading at a senior center. The feel-good activity will teach your kids about your values and help others in need.
