Dear Readers: “Worried Neighbor” wrote to me, concerned about her next-door neighbors.
She said that the two neighbor children, both very young, were standing on their deck, reporting that, “Daddy is mad at Mommy.” Worried heard a man “screaming at the top of his lungs” from inside the house.
Worried was new to her community and didn’t know what to do. I suggested she call 911.
Every time I run a letter having to do with domestic abuse (or possible abuse), I receive helpful and heartbreaking responses from people whose lives have been changed by abuse in the home.
I feel it’s a service to run a selection of these responses, reminding people to get involved when they witness or suspect abuse.
Dear Amy: As a 911 dispatcher, your advice for “Worried Neighbor” to call 911 was definitely on the money.
There could have been many things going on in that house. Sometimes children see that kind of stuff every day and do not think that it is bad when in reality it is.
If Worried is afraid of retaliation from the neighbor, she could ask that she remain anonymous, or have the police officer contact her by phone instead of identifying her by stopping at her house.
Anyone in this situation should tell the dispatcher everything, such as hearing screaming going on in the house, what the children said, etc.
The more information the dispatcher has, the better information the officer would have to decide if they need to get into the house. Unfortunately, dispatchers and officers have to deal with this stuff every day, and any abuse (verbal or physical) should not be tolerated. — 911 Dispatcher in Oklahoma
Dear Amy: Thank you for advising “Worried Neighbor” to call the police the next time she hears screaming from her neighbors’ home. As a child, I lived in an extremely abusive home.
There is no doubt that our neighbors heard what was going on, or that my mom’s friends, my teachers and many other people had reason to suspect abuse.
No one did a thing. My siblings and I desperately needed an adult to intervene. A simple phone call could have saved us from years of torment (not to mention thousands of dollars in therapy).
I hope your readers call for help if they are faced with a similar situation — Survivor
Dear Amy: I feel that your response to “Worried” fell short. I hope she will call the Department of Children’s Services with her concerns.
I had a similar experience and the sight of my neighbor’s bloody crib haunts me to this day. — Worried Neighbor, Too
Dear Amy: I can share both a personal experience and a professional opinion.
As a child, I witnessed the same drama in my own family. My father’s abuse escalated from verbal attacks — not unlike what the writer overheard — to eventually repeated physical attacks on my mother, who suffered fractured limbs, near-strangulation, and years of unrelenting, demeaning emotional abuse and isolation.
As a psychiatrist, I now know that abusers are bullies whose first strategy is to isolate their victims from friends, family, neighbors and any other source of support.
Not only is this man’s spouse a victim of domestic violence, but the children are witnessing extremely disturbing behavior and suffering emotional trauma, including absorbing a template for their own future relationships, which is distinctly unhealthy.
Healthy people don’t “scream at the top of their lungs” at their spouse.
Please encourage neighbors, teachers, pastors and other “worried neighbors” out there to not only contact authorities but also to try to befriend the victims. — Been There
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
