Dear Amy: My husband will soon finish a fairly long deployment with the military in Iraq. I can’t wait for him to come home.
The problem is my husband’s mother. Her plan is to greet him at the airport as soon as his flight lands, which is fine (I guess). However, she is also trying to make plans for that day for everyone (my husband’s immediate family) to get together and welcome him home at a party at one of our homes.
My husband and I agree that we’d like to spend some alone time together before he gets inundated with company. He wants to have some time to wind down after all of the traveling.
I’ve tried telling her this in those terms, but she is being very insistent.
Normally I would tell him that he needs to talk to her himself, but he’s already stressed out enough and she’s been calling me about it. Please help! — Frustrated Daughter-in-Law
Dear Frustrated: Tell your mother-in-law that your husband has asked you to speak with her about this. Say that he’d like her to come to the airport, but that he has asked specifically for everybody else to wait until the next day.
(This might make things a little easier on everyone because his return flight could be delayed, trapping everyone at the airport.)
You might engage her cooperation by asking her if she could help you explain this to other family members. Offer to help with a family party the day after he returns (or on the weekend).
If hordes of family members show up at the airport, then do your best to roll with it. Everyone misses him, and unfortunately they’re not thinking about what he wants, but about what they want.
Dear Amy: I’ve been married to my husband, “Barney,” for almost a year. Everything is great except when it comes to spending time with our families.
Every second spent visiting Barney’s parents is pure T-O-R-T-U-R-E for me, but I embrace it because I love my husband. I ask questions, I appear happy to be there and act pleasantly. It’s tough, but I put in the effort because seeing my husband happy is worth it.
When I ask Barney to visit my parents with me, he seems unbelievably burdened by it. While we’re there, he sits on the couch, doesn’t say a word and seems to be counting the minutes before we leave.
Time with the in-laws isn’t the best for either of us, but at least I can fake it. Is it unfair to expect the same effort from him?
Barney says I am overreacting and my expectations are too high. Is he right? — Tired
Dear Tired: You and your husband shouldn’t always have to visit your respective parents as a team, but when you do, I agree with you that he should behave politely.
Because you keep going round about the same issue, you might make headway if you say to each other, “What can we do differently and get a different result?”
He might act less bored if he has a function in your parents’ household. He is a big boy, however, so he should figure out what his function might be and how to engage.
In return, you should let go enough to let him behave his way out of this, all on his own, without you correcting, criticizing or making excuses for him.
Dear Amy: Your letter from the grandfather who wanted to know how to be a good grandpa brought back a wonderful memory for me.
My husband used to sit on the floor while his little granddaughter would play “hairdresser.”
Combs, clips and ribbons made Grandpa into a charming “customer.” I was grateful Grandpa had some hair to work with.
Thanks for the memory. — Gram From Ithaca, N.Y.
Dear Gram: I’m picturing it now. So sweet!
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