I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be famous. I fantasize about having doors opened for me, being whisked to the front of the line, getting the best table, and having my calls returned promptly, instead of trudging through life like the hoi polloi.
Now I doubt whether fame is all that.
See, my friend Lisa LaPorta actually is famous. As the host of HGTV’s “Designed to Sell” and “Bang for Your Buck,” the design diva has had her pretty face beamed into people’s homes for 15 years.
But the Red Sea doesn’t part for her, either. Some days she calls me while sitting in traffic on the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, and I think, even Lisa LaPorta has to sit in traffic.
Lisa is working with my teenage daughters and me to design the girls’ bonus room. She and I spent four hours together last week shopping online for furniture, an experience that in my book is up there with eating chocolate truffles while watching a Nora Ephron movie.
We mouse-clicked along, ruling out too big, too stodgy, too impractical, and played with dozens of combinations until at last we dialed in sofas, chairs and a coffee table, all from Home Decorators Collection, which was having a 20-percent-off sale.
“Hurray! Let’s order!” I said.
“Not yet,” Lisa countered, saving me from myself. “We need swatches first.”
“Harrumph.” She held our items on the website’s wish list, and called for samples. Her conversation, she later told me, went like this:
“Hello this is Lisa LaPorta. I’m wondering if you could send me some sample swatches?”
“Did you know there’s a woman on HGTV with your same name?”
“I’ve heard that.”
“Is that you?”
“Well, actually.”
“Would you hold, please?”
Would you hold, please? This is what I mean. It doesn’t matter who you are.
“Hello, this is Oprah Winfrey.”
“Would you hold please?”
“Hello, this is Barack Obama and I have Martha Stewart on the line, and we’d like some samples because Michelle is redecorating the White House.”
“Would you hold, please?”
Click.
“Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Your call will be taken in the order it was received. Your approximate call waiting time is 15 minutes.”
The sales representative returned to the call, then took the sample order along with Lisa’s address. “Wait, You live in Los Angeles? So are you really the same Lisa LaPorta from HGTV?”
“Yes, actually. How long will it take to receive samples?”
“About a week.”
“Can I pay for expedited shipping?”
“We don’t offer that. But I’ll see what I can do.”
Lisa got the sample one week later — just like everyone else.
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson lives in Castle Rock. She is the author of the just released “House of Havoc,” and “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo Press). Contact her through .
Marni Jameson on how to click ‘n’ spend
Although I’ve done my share of online shopping, I’d never until now purchased anything online larger than a dog gate. But Lisa LaPorta convinced me that online furniture shopping has many advantages. You can shop 10 stores at once, do side-by-side comparisons, and what you lose in personal service is gained in savings and selection. But you have to be careful. Mistakes can be big and returns expensive. Here’s what LaPorta taught me, along with some pointers from Kari Whelan, director of customer service for Home Decorators Collection.
Lock in the floor plan first. Before we furniture shopped, Lisa presented 12 furniture plans. The girls decided which one best supported their vision of a place to watch movies, work on laptops, eat, sprawl on the sofa, and hang with friends. We didn’t order a thing until the whole room clicked.
Order swatches. Yes, it’s tempting to skip this project-prolonging step, but you must feel the fabrics and see them together in your home. Turned out the print fabric we thought was a slam dunk for the chairs looked too green against the blue-gray of the sofa fabric we liked. Fortunately, Lisa had ordered samples for a plan B, which became plan A. Having portable swatches also makes selecting paint and window treatments easier.
Measure twice, order once. Problems with color (avoided by ordering swatches) and dimension are the most common reasons people return furniture, said Whelan. Test-drive size by mocking up the room layout on graph paper (-inch equals 1 foot), or use masking tape to outline where pieces will go. Be sure the furniture works in every direction — height, depth and width — and that large items will fit up stairways, around corners and through doors.
Start small. Rugs have the highest return rate because their colors are tricky, and many companies do not offer rug swatches. Whelan advises ordering a small (2-by-3-foot) rug to try, because it’s cheaper to ship back if you don’t like it.
Lock in discounts. While we waited on samples, the 20-percent off sale ended, which was frustrating. However, Whelan says, always ask what other promotions are available. We got to apply another discount and took advantage of the free shipping offer available through October, making our deal even sweeter.
Know the return policy. Most companies offer a refund on non-custom items within the first 30 to 45 days, then merchandise credit after that. But unless the item is damaged or wrong, you pay for return shipping, which can hurt.
