Dear Margo: I am a married mother of three in my mid-30s. Recently, a woman in her 50s contacted me via Facebook to let me know she believes that we are half-sisters, via my dad. Dad, who is 75, was in his 30s when he married my mom. This woman, who was given up for adoption when she was born, believes she is the product of a relationship between her bio mom and my dad. I do know that my dad had a relationship with the bio mother when he was in his late teens and early 20s, as her name and photograph are in one of my grandmother’s albums.
I do believe this woman is legitimate in her claim, although I guess only a DNA test would prove whether her mom was exclusive with my dad at the time. Through her bio mom, she learned about my dad, his subsequent marriage and additional children (my sister and me). She seems stable enough — married with children, working as an attorney — and I think she is contacting me out of curiosity more than anything. She stated that she does not wish to upset my parents and has no plans to contact either of them.
My quandary is this: I am not particularly interested in this woman or her life. I believe that we are likely half-sisters, but don’t really care to connect with her or her family. I am tempted to e-mail her back and say that while she seems like a lovely person, I have no interest in meeting her or even having a Facebook relationship with her. I am also uncertain as to whether or not I should mention this to my parents. I am sure they know about her, as she said that her mother harassed my parents for years after they were married. How would you proceed? — Uninterested in Broadening the Family
Dear Un: Fine with me if you do not pursue this. The e-mail you are thinking of writing sounds efficient and honest. Nowhere is it written that one must acquiesce to the wishes of other people. As for telling your parents, I would skip that. They know she’s around, and I think by not mentioning this you will spare them the angst of knowing that you know. Feel free to share this with your sister so you will have an outlet. — Margo, supportively
Lohengrin & mom
Dear Margo: I am a bride-to-be, and my problem has nothing to do with the groom, in-laws, bridesmaids, finances or family feuds. The problem will be my mother — or MOB, as she has taken to calling herself. She is bipolar II (the more stable kind, tending toward hypomania) and is quite the scene stealer. Not to be reliant on cliches, but this is meant to be “my day,” and I have no idea how to rein my mother in, short of slipping a horse tranquilizer into her coffee. Any suggestions will be appreciated. — Belinda
Dear Bel: I had never heard of bipolar II, so thanks for the impetus to look it up. It actually sounds to me like the MOB has MDD — Modesty Deficit Disorder. In your particular situation, I would recommend “guards,” by which I mean close friends or family who are assigned to monitor your mother. They can either distract her, gently encourage her to pipe down or remind her that the spotlight needs to be on the bride. As for you, once the “assignments” have been made, I would embrace the WW II slogan: “Keep calm and carry on.” — Margo, assertively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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