Dear Margo: As a bi woman, I’ve encountered prejudice from homosexuals and heterosexuals. I was startled and hurt the first time I heard a rant against bisexuality from a lesbian (on a gay and lesbian radio program, no less). Although there is less hostility now, the ugly misconceptions just do not seem to falter. I’m not on a crusade — I’ve lived a free and full life among people for whom this is not an issue. I am thinking of the young bi folks who don’t leave home at the age of 17, as I did in 1962, to live freely in an urban (and urbane) setting. The harder society makes it for people to acknowledge their non-heterosexuality, the more desperate people there will be. Do you see an end to all this commotion about people’s sexuality? — Elizabeth
Dear El: The short answer is a qualified “no.” People will always be interested in minding other people’s business. While it is a career for me, it is a pastime for many. Then, too, sex as a topic has a certain grip on everyone because it is so basic. Things have greatly improved, to be sure, but there will always be people who are narrow-minded, bigoted, judgmental or influenced by a literal reading of the Bible … even though the “good book” contradicts itself in many instances.
To be a gay youngster these days, however, is waaay better than when you and I were young. There are now laws and clubs, and there is even a certain cache. To be closeted is nowhere near the necessity it once was. As for bisexuality, I think there is perhaps some degree of that in everyone’s psychological makeup — which might be why it is problematic for a lot of people. Why homosexuals would be prejudiced against those who are bi is beyond me. Perhaps they concur with the notion that people who identify as bi are unwilling to fess up to homosexuality. Me, I’m for “live and let live.” — Margo, nonjudgmentally
What if you’re not a missionary?
Dear Margo: I’m in such a quandary. I’m in my late 30s, married 10 years to my hubby who is in his early 40s. He’s a great guy and a wonderful father to our two children. Our marriage is good on all fronts but one. While my libido appears to be growing, his appears to be slowing — noticeably. In addition, my sense of adventure in the bedroom is expanding, and I find myself interested in other types of play. Yet he has decided that missionary is it and that a “lady” should not have these desires. This means our infrequent liaisons are less than satisfying.
I can honestly say that every other aspect of our relationship is really good. I think we’re both too young to spend the rest of our years like this, but I don’t know what to do about it. To make matters worse, I recently had an online chat with someone in another country that grew quite steamy. While I have never done anything of that nature before, I found it thrilled me. Despite my shame at the emotional affair, I can’t get this encounter out of my mind. What to do and where to turn? — Frustrated in Texas
Dear Frus: One thing you can do is knock off the cyber edition of phone sex with the foreign stranger. While it may be somewhat fulfilling, it is not helpful. What will be more productive (minus the guilt and shame) would be to hunt up either a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. The first item of business would be to educate your husband about what “ladies” do and don’t do, which might require some therapy on his own to deal with what sounds like a whore/Madonna complex. I suspect there could be resistance to therapy, but it’s important to let him know that you are both missing a part of what marriage can be, and that you are interested in expanding your horizons and would like to do it with him. — Margo, expansively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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