Dear Amy: I have a very happy marriage and a very loving family. My husband and I have been married for three years.
I live over two hours (by plane) from my immediate and extended family: aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. We are a very large, affectionate and close clan. My husband and I live near his family.
Day to day, I like my life a lot. I love my husband and my job. I enjoy our friends.
I talk to several family members often on the phone. However, holidays are excruciating. My husband and I alternate holidays with my family (a plane ride away) and my husband’s family.
I feel selfish for feeling this way, but spending this time away from my family is so sad for me.
I always put on a good face and enjoy hosting events for my in-laws, but I am reduced to tears when I talk to my family on the phone.
I enjoy being around my husband’s family, but the holidays make me realize that I don’t see my family as much as I’d like (and they are all together). And I especially hate feeling like I chose my husband over my family.
What can I do to try to enjoy the holidays without my beloved extended family? — A Happy Wife
Dear Happy: There are some things you can’t fully fix. Holiday wistfulness, for example. The sentimental sadness of the holiday is so powerful, it has inspired many of our favorite holiday films and songs (the tug of home expressed in “White Christmas,” for example).
You may not be able to shake this feeling, but you will enjoy the holidays more if you anticipate it.
You and your husband should work on building some simple, fun and personal traditions that don’t involve either of your extended families. Be open with him and let him comfort you.
Dear Amy: My younger sister “Terri” and I have always had a tense relationship.
As children, we fought constantly, and I’m ashamed to say that I was often the bully. Luckily, now that we’re in our 20s, we’re on better terms and haven’t fought in years.
Despite this progress, Terri still seems to resent me. She shows limited interest in anything going on in my life, either ignores or interrupts me and often excludes me from family plans.
No amount of apologizing or discussion seems to improve our relationship.
In some ways, this coldness is worse than arguing.
Therapists have told me to wait until she accepts me, but I don’t think she ever will.
What should I do? I’m afraid I’ve lost my sister forever. — Sad Sister
Dear Sad: You should keep doing what you’re doing — taking responsibility for your actions, apologizing and asking for forgiveness.
The same family dynamic that contributed to an unhealthy sibling relationship between you (creating a bully and a victim) may have also produced an individual (your sister) who is unsure, cold and unforgiving.
You should ease up. Your sister could interpret your attempts to change your relationship as pressure.
Your therapists are right — this will take time. Your sister has some work to do, and you should do your best to be the kind, patient and tolerant big sister she deserves to have.
Dear Amy: I’ve been following your discussion about when it’s appropriate to ask about a stranger’s racial identity.
I was a census worker this last summer, and among the questions we were required to ask was “race.” The question became one of the ones we all hated.
We all became used to the people who answered “human,” when asked about their race, but my favorite answer was from an older gentleman who, when asked, “Race?” responded, “Not so much anymore.” — Colorado Girl
Dear Colorado: The perfect answer to a loaded question.
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